Chapter 11 — Current circumstances

Relationships

Sixty four (64) female witnesses reported being in relationships where there were ongoing difficulties related to domestic violence, alcohol abuse, and issues related to control and authority. Some witnesses described their own contribution to these violent relationships through their tendency to be angry, quick-tempered, and verbally and physically aggressive. Thirty (30) female witnesses reported being physically aggressive or violent towards others, including their partners. Others described marrying men who controlled their lives, who taunted them about their background in an institution and perpetuated the type of abusive relationships they had previously experienced. Twenty (20) of the female witnesses who remained in violent relationships said they were accustomed to a level of aggression; as one witness commented: ‘You think everyone is going to hit you’. Many female witnesses reported that they regarded being hit as an unavoidable feature of interpersonal contact. Female witnesses who remained in unhappy marriages reported doing so for many reasons, including a sense of responsibility to provide their children with more stability and security than they themselves had experienced in childhood.

A number of male and female witnesses said that they were in long-term relationships but were unable to make a commitment in marriage, fearing they would be ‘trapped again’ as they felt they had been in the institution. Witnesses stated that other reasons for avoiding the commitment of marriage were a fear of being exposed as ‘illegitimate’ and as having been reared in an institution. Witnesses spoke about being able to maintain a veil of secrecy about their background as a single person, which they feared losing if they married: I made all kinds of excuses as why I didn’t want to get married ... the truth was it meant I would have to show my birth certificate and I was ashamed of that ... anything rather than he find out I was illegitimate, because he was a nice middle class ...(professional)....

One hundred and thirty nine (139) witnesses, 83 male and 56 female, reported life-long isolation and loneliness, often describing themselves as ‘married loners’, despite being in long-term relationships and having children. The inability to form or sustain intimate, trusting relationships was described as the inevitable result of affectionless and often violent childhoods. The wife of one witness who attended the hearing with her husband said that she lived with a ‘stranger’ and never really knew her husband. Other companions described the isolated lives some witnesses led, for example: It’s the middle of the night he ...(witness)... wakes up with these mad screams. ... He spends the greater part of his life in his room, he comes down and brings his meals up, if he falls asleep the children can hear him scream.

There were 132 witnesses who were single at the time of their hearing, of whom 72 males and 36 females reported having never married or formed any stable relationships. A number of male witnesses reported outwardly successful lives that they maintained by moving around while avoiding attachments. Others, both male and female, reported living quiet, isolated existences that suited them, having struggled for years to fit into a more mainstream life: ‘they locked me up inside myself and threw away the key’.

A further 32 male and 26 female witnesses described themselves as having been in relationships for periods of time but were unable to sustain a commitment to their partners. A small number of male witnesses described living a nomadic existence, working on farms and building sites. Some married for a short time but could not sustain the commitment and reported abusing drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism for painful and intrusive memories: The skills I had honed in ...named School... how to hide and not show feelings, were a disadvantage in adult life outside. I could not sustain relationships, express my feelings. I was closed off.

Both male and female witnesses reported that the past had been locked away until media publicity in the 1990s forced memories back into awareness. Thirty nine (39) witnesses, 18 male and 21 female, reported that they had never disclosed details of their abuse to their partners or told anyone about their past until their hearing with the Committee. Disclosure to spouses, partners and family members in recent years was reported to have had varying effects on family relationships. Witnesses reported that talking about their traumatic childhoods allowed some of their families to understand their troubled and at times disturbed behaviour. Spouses and adult children who attended hearings as companions often stated that it was easier to cope with aggressive or withdrawn behaviour when they had some understanding of the witness’s background. For other witnesses the public reminder of their past increased pressure on already fragile relationships. A number of witnesses stated that the open acknowledgement of their abuse made everyday life more difficult as it reactivated feelings of pain and anger. A number of companions acknowledged a history of disturbed family relationships that had a traumatic effect on their own lives: He would have terrible violence with the drink. He would always provide for us, we never went without. My dad had a problem with alcohol, my dad beat me and my mum, he was very violent. He loved me but he didn’t know how to show it.

Parenting

The amount of information provided about family life and parenting varied considerably among the male and female witnesses. Many witnesses spoke frankly about their experiences as parents while others did not provide much information about this aspect of their lives. Six hundred and fifty three (653) male and female witnesses (83%) reported having parented and/or reared children. This number included witnesses’ own biological children and non-biological children who were reared as their own, including a number of fostered and adopted children.

Three hundred and nineteen (319) male witnesses (77%) reported having children, with family size varying between one and 11 children. Fifty (50) witnesses reported having six children or more and the average family size reported by male witnesses was four children.

Three hundred and thirty four (334) female witnesses (88%) reported having children. Family size varied between one and 15 children, with 31 witnesses having six children or more. The average family size reported by female witnesses was three children.

The Committee were told that in total, 653 witnesses parented 2,158 children. These include both non-biological children raised by some witnesses and biological children who were raised without the witnesses’ support, some of whom were adopted or placed in out-of-home care. Forty three (43) female witnesses reported rearing their children as lone parents. Thirty six (36) female witnesses reported placing children for adoption shortly after birth. The witnesses reported that 42 of their children were placed for adoption. Twenty seven (27) of the reported adoptions were of children born to women within three years of their discharge from the School system. Sixteen (16) children of nine female witnesses were reported to have been placed in out-of-home care, either with extended family members or in residential or foster care. Nine (9) female witnesses reported having an unplanned pregnancy between the ages of 14 and 16 years.

Aspects of the parent–child relationship described by 653 male and female witnesses who had children are shown below, in the order of frequency reported:

Relationship with children*	Frequency reported by male witnesses	Frequency reported by female witnesses	Total witness reports	% Total witness
Reported normal	115	106	221	34
Overprotective	63	116	179	27
Unable to show affection	80	92	172	26
Harsh	73	52	125	19
Varied between children	26	49	75	11
Abusive	24	17	41	6
No comment	25	16	41	6

Two hundred and twenty one (221) witnesses (34%), 115 male and 106 female, described having ‘normal’ or good relations with their children. Many witnesses described the pleasure they derived from having children of their own and being able to provide them with the love and security they had not received themselves. Relationships between witnesses and their children were described as influenced by their own childhood experiences, which many said left them ill-prepared for the role of being a parent. ‘I worry about them and I’m proud of them but I can’t tell them’. You forget you have a soft side. It’s good to be soft but I don’t think I showed it enough to my kids, I regret that now.

One hundred and seventy nine (179) witnesses, 63 male and 116 female, described themselves as overprotective of their children to the point that it created difficulties between themselves and their partners as well as with their children. For some witnesses the fear of their children being harmed or getting into trouble and consequently being placed in out-of-home care was difficult to tolerate and resulted in excessive vigilance and control. This was described by witnesses as contributing, in some instances, to an authoritarian approach to parenting and to being overprotective. These parent–child relationships were often characterised by overindulgence and separation anxiety. For many female witnesses having their own child was described as a pivotal life experience and as one witness said: ‘gave me something of my own for the first time in my life’.

The inability to be affectionate with their children was reported by 172 witnesses (22%), 80 male and 92 female, as a general feature of the parent–child relationships: ‘I can’t cuddle my own kids’. Witnesses reported that having not experienced affection themselves they found it difficult to be physically demonstrative. Sixty five (65) of the witnesses, 29 male and 36 female, who described themselves as harsh or abusive in relation to their children also reported their inability to demonstrate affection as a significant feature of their relationships: I had no maternal instinct at all. No, I didn’t want them when they were babies. I did what I had to do, it was my duty.... My ...husband... would bring them up on his knee, he’d hug them and kiss them. I pushed them away, I wasn’t able to do it. I’d eat the face off them. I always said to them “you’ll get what I never got”. I done my best for them I encouraged them all the way. ... I can do it ...(be more affectionate)... with the grandchildren. • I never gave my daughters or my sons a hug. I associate touch with sex, I could not put my arms around them. I am always wary if I bump into someone. I am always saying “sorry, sorry, sorry”. ... I feel so dirty, afraid. ... I was very strict with my boys. I’d follow them anywhere. I was terrified they would end up.... I know they were hurt. I was lucky. My wife, I can never stop apologising to her, I put her through hell.... She’s like an anchor. • I don’t know how she ...(wife)... put up with me, not being able to relate to my wife and my children. I can bark orders at them. I bitterly regret that. My wife does the emotional bit because I am not able to do it, I so regret that.

One hundred and twenty five (125) witnesses (19%), 73 male and 52 female, reported themselves as harsh in their treatment of their children, many of whom described carrying a burden of guilt in that regard. Forty one (41) witnesses, 24 male and 17 female, reported abusing their children including episodes of serious harm and neglect to the point where the children were placed in out-of-home care. Some witnesses lost contact with their children in the context of poor relationships in the early years of family life, others were able to overcome the difficulties and reported that relationships with their children improved over time: They took my kids off me when they were younger because I couldn’t cope, they went to fostering, I had a breakdown. After a while I got them back.... • I was kinda sick parenting them.... My sons didn’t have it easy either, I remember thinking ...(of ending own life)... and thinking of the 2 boys that I would bring them with me as well. They got involved in drink and drugs.... One got into treatment ... he’s doing fine now.