Chapter 17 — Primary and second-level schools

Current circumstances

Twenty four (24) witnesses gave accounts of having reasonably good mental health while they also reported histories of depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts. Many described a level of continued distress and alcohol abuse leading to some day-to-day difficulties that were manageable. At that stage of my life I was heavy into drink ... huge problem. I was into drugs as well ... I was going downhill. I started stealing for my habits ... The drinking got so bad I decided myself I had to do something about it,...(I was drinking )... a bottle of whiskey or brandy a day ... It was great for me at the time to get over those years, it helped me black out... (memories of abuse)....I went away to ...treatment centre... When I was there drying out ... I told part of my story ... (of sexual abuse) ...

There was a marked gender difference between witnesses who described poor mental health. Sixteen (16) male and two female witnesses, reported a history of repeated admissions to psychiatric hospitals, many suicide attempts, disabling anxiety and depression, leading at times to isolation and withdrawal from social and family life. A number of witnesses reported that their past abuse had a profound impact on all areas of their lives and that they were unable to benefit from the help that they had repeatedly sought. Six (6) male and one female witness gave accounts of substance abuse.

The most frequently reported effect of childhood abuse on the adult lives of witnesses who reported abuse in primary and second-level schools was the impact on their emotional wellbeing and the consequences for their personal, family and social relationships. Table 111 illustrates the effects described by the 56 male and 14 female witnesses. The effects are not mutually exclusive and were not prioritised by witnesses.

Male witnesses	Female witnesses
Effects on adult life*	Number of reports	Effects on adult life*	Number of reports
Counselling required	38	Lack of self-worth	9
Alcohol abuse	28	Anxious and fearful	8
Lack of trust	25	Counselling required	8
Angry	24	Abuse not easily forgotten	7
Loner	24	Feelings related to being a victim	7
Abuse not easily forgotten	23	Feeling isolated	6
Lack of self-worth	21	Issues of self-worth	6
Suicidal feelings or attempt	21	Angry	5
Feelings related to being a victim	18	Mood instability	5
Unable to settle	18	Somatic symptoms	5
Post-traumatic effect	17	Suicidal feelings or attempt	5
Anxious and fearful	15	Alcohol abuse	4
Mood instability	15	Feeling different from peers	4
Withdrawal	14	Feelings related to being powerless	4
Feeling different from peers	13	Loner	4
Nightmares	12	Post-traumatic effect	4
Feeling isolated	11	Sexual problems	4
Gender and sexual identity problems	11	Overprotective of children	3
Sleep disturbance	11	Withdrawal	3
Aggressive behaviour – physical	10	Tearfulness	2
Aggressive behaviour – verbal	10	Eating disorder	2
Sexual problems	10	Issues of self-blame	2
Unable to show feelings to partner	9	Overly-compliant behaviour	2
Somatic symptoms	8	Substance abuse	2
Over harsh with children	6	Aggressive behaviour – physical	1
Substance abuse	6	Aggressive behaviour – psychological	1
Unable to show feelings to children	6	Aggressive behaviour – verbal	1
Tearfulness	5	Fear of failure	1
Feelings related to being powerless	5	Issues of needing approval	1
Overprotective of children	5	Nightmares	1
Issues of needing approval	5	Over harsh with children	1
Eating Disorder	4	Unable to settle	1
Issues of self-blame	4	Unable to show feelings to children	1
Aggressive behaviour – psychological	3	Unable to show feelings to partner	1

Many witnesses reported difficulties encountered in their day-to-day lives, and stated that enduring anger and distress continued to affect them. A female witness stated ‘there was nothing normal about life’. Another witness described herself as an angry person who puts on a mask to hide her pain, sadness and loneliness: ‘You are never sure when it ... (memories of abuse)... will raise its ugly head’. A number of male witnesses commented that they had suppressed memories of abuse at a cost to their personal and family relationships: ‘You put up a front, I blanked it out’. Another witnesses commented: The anger started coming at me again. I went on an anger management course... the anger went on and on. I was still saying nothing ... (to spouse) ... I broke down and told her the whole thing .... It explained to her a lot of the behavioural problems I had, because I had good positions...(employment)... but I never let anyone come near me...

Witnesses consistently reported that the damaging consequences of their childhood abuse also affected the next generation. Twenty two (22) reports were heard by the Committee of witnesses being excessively harsh, overprotective or of being unable to demonstrate affection to their children. They’ll have a good childhood ... I’ll find a balance. I’m sure it shows through sometimes ... (spouse) ... thinks I’m too liberal with them ... • I don’t think I’ve ever damaged them since... I love them ... they treat me now as the child ... I love it ... we’ve had some hard times together but we get on and they’re great.

Twenty seven (27) witnesses reported that the traumatic effect of their abusive experiences had led to significant distress and reported that they suffered from panic and anxiety attacks. Witnesses also described other continuing effects that had a negative influence on work, social and personal areas of adult life. Many witnesses commented on struggling with anxiety, feelings of guilt, fear of failure and powerlessness. Twenty six (26) witnesses reported that they experienced impulsive anger and at times were aggressive in their behaviour. A male witness who reported sexual abuse over a number of years gave the following description of its enduring effect on many areas of his adult life: I just ran and ran and I’m running since.... I was on the move and have stayed on the move for last 35-40 years. A lot of jobs, a lot of places, big jobs, small jobs, dirt jobs, high jobs.... business is gone, no money... You feel so powerless,... a non-entity...

Forty six (46) witnesses reported that they had required counselling and psychiatric treatment in order to enable them cope with the enduring effects of their childhood abuse. Thirteen (13) of these 46 witnesses reported having received in-patient psychiatric treatment. Eleven (11) of the 46 witnesses reported actively attempting to take their own lives and a further 15 reported that they experienced suicidal thoughts currently or in the past. A witness stated that he had ‘a lot of problems with health... I was in hospital... I spent a year really suicidal.’

Thirty two (32) witnesses reported abusing alcohol, and described other associated distress, including disturbed sleep and at times excessive vigilance and suspicion: ‘If I see people talking I wonder is it about me, I am still running away from it ... (memories of abuse) ...’

Many witnesses commented on the benefit for them of being believed, understood and supported by their counsellors, others in the health services and fellow survivors of abuse. A witness commenting on the value for him of group support stated: ‘... I feel when I come out of the group I’m not on my own, I’m not a freak ...’

Others who reported being repeatedly subjected to severe sexual and physical abuse over a sustained period of time reported that, in spite of their abuser’s criminal conviction, monetary compensation or family support their lives continued to be troubled by feelings of anger and despair. A small number of male witnesses expressed anger that their abusers were transferred to other schools: ‘The rate at which they were moved, I don’t understand why.’ The thing that hurts most is that there was a paedophile ring running in that school, I know 5 guys that were abused and are now dead. Nobody did anything ... dead pupils don’t count .... If they put their hands up and said “what happened was well out of order, what can we do to help?” ...(but)... nobody gives a shit, they do nothing.

A number of witnesses commented that adversarial processes and criminal investigations in recent years had both reactivated the trauma of past abuses and brought some relief and validation. It isn’t like as if it was all those years ago, it’s like as if it was 5 minutes ago ...crying....