Chapter 11 — Current circumstances

Parenting

Aspects of the parent–child relationship described by 653 male and female witnesses who had children are shown below, in the order of frequency reported:

Relationship with children*	Frequency reported by male witnesses	Frequency reported by female witnesses	Total witness reports	% Total witness
Reported normal	115	106	221	34
Overprotective	63	116	179	27
Unable to show affection	80	92	172	26
Harsh	73	52	125	19
Varied between children	26	49	75	11
Abusive	24	17	41	6
No comment	25	16	41	6

Two hundred and twenty one (221) witnesses (34%), 115 male and 106 female, described having ‘normal’ or good relations with their children. Many witnesses described the pleasure they derived from having children of their own and being able to provide them with the love and security they had not received themselves. Relationships between witnesses and their children were described as influenced by their own childhood experiences, which many said left them ill-prepared for the role of being a parent. ‘I worry about them and I’m proud of them but I can’t tell them’. You forget you have a soft side. It’s good to be soft but I don’t think I showed it enough to my kids, I regret that now.

One hundred and seventy nine (179) witnesses, 63 male and 116 female, described themselves as overprotective of their children to the point that it created difficulties between themselves and their partners as well as with their children. For some witnesses the fear of their children being harmed or getting into trouble and consequently being placed in out-of-home care was difficult to tolerate and resulted in excessive vigilance and control. This was described by witnesses as contributing, in some instances, to an authoritarian approach to parenting and to being overprotective. These parent–child relationships were often characterised by overindulgence and separation anxiety. For many female witnesses having their own child was described as a pivotal life experience and as one witness said: ‘gave me something of my own for the first time in my life’.

The inability to be affectionate with their children was reported by 172 witnesses (22%), 80 male and 92 female, as a general feature of the parent–child relationships: ‘I can’t cuddle my own kids’. Witnesses reported that having not experienced affection themselves they found it difficult to be physically demonstrative. Sixty five (65) of the witnesses, 29 male and 36 female, who described themselves as harsh or abusive in relation to their children also reported their inability to demonstrate affection as a significant feature of their relationships: I had no maternal instinct at all. No, I didn’t want them when they were babies. I did what I had to do, it was my duty.... My ...husband... would bring them up on his knee, he’d hug them and kiss them. I pushed them away, I wasn’t able to do it. I’d eat the face off them. I always said to them “you’ll get what I never got”. I done my best for them I encouraged them all the way. ... I can do it ...(be more affectionate)... with the grandchildren. • I never gave my daughters or my sons a hug. I associate touch with sex, I could not put my arms around them. I am always wary if I bump into someone. I am always saying “sorry, sorry, sorry”. ... I feel so dirty, afraid. ... I was very strict with my boys. I’d follow them anywhere. I was terrified they would end up.... I know they were hurt. I was lucky. My wife, I can never stop apologising to her, I put her through hell.... She’s like an anchor. • I don’t know how she ...(wife)... put up with me, not being able to relate to my wife and my children. I can bark orders at them. I bitterly regret that. My wife does the emotional bit because I am not able to do it, I so regret that.

One hundred and twenty five (125) witnesses (19%), 73 male and 52 female, reported themselves as harsh in their treatment of their children, many of whom described carrying a burden of guilt in that regard. Forty one (41) witnesses, 24 male and 17 female, reported abusing their children including episodes of serious harm and neglect to the point where the children were placed in out-of-home care. Some witnesses lost contact with their children in the context of poor relationships in the early years of family life, others were able to overcome the difficulties and reported that relationships with their children improved over time: They took my kids off me when they were younger because I couldn’t cope, they went to fostering, I had a breakdown. After a while I got them back.... • I was kinda sick parenting them.... My sons didn’t have it easy either, I remember thinking ...(of ending own life)... and thinking of the 2 boys that I would bring them with me as well. They got involved in drink and drugs.... One got into treatment ... he’s doing fine now.

Six (6) male witnesses described being physically abusive, which resulted in serious injury to their wives and/or children. A number of witnesses reported a sense of guilt about how they may have contributed to their children’s difficulties resulting, in some instances, in drug abuse and/or early deaths: I was very hard on my kids. It got so much that my kids ended up hating me. I always had a problem with drinking that was my downfall and my aggression regarding my kids. I had a good wife and she stood by me and my sons and my daughters, I can go to any of them but I can’t live with them. I lost...children through drugs, the drink was my downfall.

Five (5) female witnesses reported that their partners had sexually abused their children, two of whom were reported to have received custodial sentences.

Seventy five (75) witnesses, 26 male and 49 female, described having variable relationships with their different children, some finding one or other of their children more difficult to relate to and acknowledged being excessively strict as a result. A number of witnesses described being harsh on their older children and being much closer to their younger children. Other witnesses said that the relationships with their children improved as they got older and they were able to talk to them about their own childhood experiences. A large number of both male and female witnesses reported having more affectionate, close and rewarding bonds with their grandchildren than they had with their own children: I would love to have said the word “mum”. ... When my daughter says it and when I hear my grandchildren say it, it’s lovely. ... My joy today is my grandchildren, they’re lovely. • I stopped it ...(hitting children)... because ... I said it is not the right thing to do. When I had my second child I stopped. My first child thinks terrible of me because I hit her. It does affect them too you know. I used have them cleaning all the time, that’s the way I was brought up. I should never have hit them, I feel a lot of guilt in myself for doing this to them. I was a terrible mam, I was. We get on all right now.

A number of adult children who accompanied witnesses to hearings described the shock they experienced when they first became aware of the abuse and deprivations their parents endured as children. Some stated that learning about their parents’ childhood experiences helped them to understand and accept the hardship of their own traumatic childhoods with parents who were excessively punitive and critical or unable to show affection. The daughter of a witness attending as a companion reported: My father never spoke to us, you got hit. He’d hit me mammy, he’d hit me, he’d hit my brothers. He was aggressive, he was violent, none of the rest of his family are like this. He has mellowed, he is not like that now, we can talk for hours. The difference with the grandchildren.... He was very good to us material wise, he was a good father that way.

Forty one (41) witnesses, 25 male and 16 female, made no comment about their relationship with their children.

Occupational status

Since their discharge from the School system 509 witnesses (64%), 279 male and 230 female, spent the majority of their working lives in paid employment. Two hundred and fifty (250) of those witnesses (32%), 151 male and 99 female, reported being in paid employment for more than 30 years. A further 90 female witnesses worked full-time in the home caring for their families for 30 years or longer. The following table shows the witnesses’ employment status at the time of their hearing:

Employment status	Males	%	Females	%	Total witnesses	%
Employed	116	28	148	39	264	33
Retired	106	26	71	19	177	22
Disability	87	21	61	16	148	19
Unemployed	61	15	38	10	99	13
Self -employed	31	8	10	3	41	5
Defence Forces	4	1	0	0	4	1
Volunteer	1	0	3	1	4	1
Working at home	7	2	44	12	51	6
Unavailable	0	(0)	3	1	3	(0)
Total	413	(100)*	378	(100)*	791	100

The above information needs to be considered in the context of the witnesses’ age. At the time of their hearing 152 witnesses (19%), 102 male and 50 female, were aged 65 years and over and a further 504 witnesses (64%), 245 male and 259 female, were aged between 50 and 65 years.

Among the 148 witnesses (19%) who were on disability benefit at the time of their hearing, 27 were aged 60 years or older and 45 were on disability benefit for more than 20 years.

Female witnesses who were discharged before the mid-1970s reported that their working lives were generally influenced by marriage and parenthood, with 42 of the witnesses who married and had children during that time reporting they did not work outside the home until their children were grown up. Seven (7) male witnesses reported that their partners were the main income earners in the family, a number of those witnesses chose to work at home to avoid the pressure they had previously experienced in the work place. They described this arrangement as providing a feeling of control over their day-to-day circumstances that they could not achieve in open employment situations.

Self-employment was reported by witnesses to have been a constructive response to managing authority and a desire for independence. Several male and female witnesses described themselves as ‘workaholics’ some of whom reported building up successful businesses that allowed them to keep busy and take their mind off their traumatic past. Others reported a liking for solitude and self-motivation, which favoured self-employment. I can’t hold a job, I can’t focus, I can’t work with anyone. I walk off a job when people start to show authority, I walk away. I struggle. I have had ...(many jobs, now works alone)... which I find the best I don’t have to answer to anyone. • I loved the freedom of being able to do things...(working for self)... and not being chastised...