Chapter 11 — Current circumstances

Relationships

There were 132 witnesses who were single at the time of their hearing, of whom 72 males and 36 females reported having never married or formed any stable relationships. A number of male witnesses reported outwardly successful lives that they maintained by moving around while avoiding attachments. Others, both male and female, reported living quiet, isolated existences that suited them, having struggled for years to fit into a more mainstream life: ‘they locked me up inside myself and threw away the key’.

A further 32 male and 26 female witnesses described themselves as having been in relationships for periods of time but were unable to sustain a commitment to their partners. A small number of male witnesses described living a nomadic existence, working on farms and building sites. Some married for a short time but could not sustain the commitment and reported abusing drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism for painful and intrusive memories: The skills I had honed in ...named School... how to hide and not show feelings, were a disadvantage in adult life outside. I could not sustain relationships, express my feelings. I was closed off.

Both male and female witnesses reported that the past had been locked away until media publicity in the 1990s forced memories back into awareness. Thirty nine (39) witnesses, 18 male and 21 female, reported that they had never disclosed details of their abuse to their partners or told anyone about their past until their hearing with the Committee. Disclosure to spouses, partners and family members in recent years was reported to have had varying effects on family relationships. Witnesses reported that talking about their traumatic childhoods allowed some of their families to understand their troubled and at times disturbed behaviour. Spouses and adult children who attended hearings as companions often stated that it was easier to cope with aggressive or withdrawn behaviour when they had some understanding of the witness’s background. For other witnesses the public reminder of their past increased pressure on already fragile relationships. A number of witnesses stated that the open acknowledgement of their abuse made everyday life more difficult as it reactivated feelings of pain and anger. A number of companions acknowledged a history of disturbed family relationships that had a traumatic effect on their own lives: He would have terrible violence with the drink. He would always provide for us, we never went without. My dad had a problem with alcohol, my dad beat me and my mum, he was very violent. He loved me but he didn’t know how to show it.

Parenting

The amount of information provided about family life and parenting varied considerably among the male and female witnesses. Many witnesses spoke frankly about their experiences as parents while others did not provide much information about this aspect of their lives. Six hundred and fifty three (653) male and female witnesses (83%) reported having parented and/or reared children. This number included witnesses’ own biological children and non-biological children who were reared as their own, including a number of fostered and adopted children.

Three hundred and nineteen (319) male witnesses (77%) reported having children, with family size varying between one and 11 children. Fifty (50) witnesses reported having six children or more and the average family size reported by male witnesses was four children.

Three hundred and thirty four (334) female witnesses (88%) reported having children. Family size varied between one and 15 children, with 31 witnesses having six children or more. The average family size reported by female witnesses was three children.

The Committee were told that in total, 653 witnesses parented 2,158 children. These include both non-biological children raised by some witnesses and biological children who were raised without the witnesses’ support, some of whom were adopted or placed in out-of-home care. Forty three (43) female witnesses reported rearing their children as lone parents. Thirty six (36) female witnesses reported placing children for adoption shortly after birth. The witnesses reported that 42 of their children were placed for adoption. Twenty seven (27) of the reported adoptions were of children born to women within three years of their discharge from the School system. Sixteen (16) children of nine female witnesses were reported to have been placed in out-of-home care, either with extended family members or in residential or foster care. Nine (9) female witnesses reported having an unplanned pregnancy between the ages of 14 and 16 years.

Aspects of the parent–child relationship described by 653 male and female witnesses who had children are shown below, in the order of frequency reported:

Relationship with children*	Frequency reported by male witnesses	Frequency reported by female witnesses	Total witness reports	% Total witness
Reported normal	115	106	221	34
Overprotective	63	116	179	27
Unable to show affection	80	92	172	26
Harsh	73	52	125	19
Varied between children	26	49	75	11
Abusive	24	17	41	6
No comment	25	16	41	6

Two hundred and twenty one (221) witnesses (34%), 115 male and 106 female, described having ‘normal’ or good relations with their children. Many witnesses described the pleasure they derived from having children of their own and being able to provide them with the love and security they had not received themselves. Relationships between witnesses and their children were described as influenced by their own childhood experiences, which many said left them ill-prepared for the role of being a parent. ‘I worry about them and I’m proud of them but I can’t tell them’. You forget you have a soft side. It’s good to be soft but I don’t think I showed it enough to my kids, I regret that now.

One hundred and seventy nine (179) witnesses, 63 male and 116 female, described themselves as overprotective of their children to the point that it created difficulties between themselves and their partners as well as with their children. For some witnesses the fear of their children being harmed or getting into trouble and consequently being placed in out-of-home care was difficult to tolerate and resulted in excessive vigilance and control. This was described by witnesses as contributing, in some instances, to an authoritarian approach to parenting and to being overprotective. These parent–child relationships were often characterised by overindulgence and separation anxiety. For many female witnesses having their own child was described as a pivotal life experience and as one witness said: ‘gave me something of my own for the first time in my life’.

The inability to be affectionate with their children was reported by 172 witnesses (22%), 80 male and 92 female, as a general feature of the parent–child relationships: ‘I can’t cuddle my own kids’. Witnesses reported that having not experienced affection themselves they found it difficult to be physically demonstrative. Sixty five (65) of the witnesses, 29 male and 36 female, who described themselves as harsh or abusive in relation to their children also reported their inability to demonstrate affection as a significant feature of their relationships: I had no maternal instinct at all. No, I didn’t want them when they were babies. I did what I had to do, it was my duty.... My ...husband... would bring them up on his knee, he’d hug them and kiss them. I pushed them away, I wasn’t able to do it. I’d eat the face off them. I always said to them “you’ll get what I never got”. I done my best for them I encouraged them all the way. ... I can do it ...(be more affectionate)... with the grandchildren. • I never gave my daughters or my sons a hug. I associate touch with sex, I could not put my arms around them. I am always wary if I bump into someone. I am always saying “sorry, sorry, sorry”. ... I feel so dirty, afraid. ... I was very strict with my boys. I’d follow them anywhere. I was terrified they would end up.... I know they were hurt. I was lucky. My wife, I can never stop apologising to her, I put her through hell.... She’s like an anchor. • I don’t know how she ...(wife)... put up with me, not being able to relate to my wife and my children. I can bark orders at them. I bitterly regret that. My wife does the emotional bit because I am not able to do it, I so regret that.

One hundred and twenty five (125) witnesses (19%), 73 male and 52 female, reported themselves as harsh in their treatment of their children, many of whom described carrying a burden of guilt in that regard. Forty one (41) witnesses, 24 male and 17 female, reported abusing their children including episodes of serious harm and neglect to the point where the children were placed in out-of-home care. Some witnesses lost contact with their children in the context of poor relationships in the early years of family life, others were able to overcome the difficulties and reported that relationships with their children improved over time: They took my kids off me when they were younger because I couldn’t cope, they went to fostering, I had a breakdown. After a while I got them back.... • I was kinda sick parenting them.... My sons didn’t have it easy either, I remember thinking ...(of ending own life)... and thinking of the 2 boys that I would bring them with me as well. They got involved in drink and drugs.... One got into treatment ... he’s doing fine now.

Six (6) male witnesses described being physically abusive, which resulted in serious injury to their wives and/or children. A number of witnesses reported a sense of guilt about how they may have contributed to their children’s difficulties resulting, in some instances, in drug abuse and/or early deaths: I was very hard on my kids. It got so much that my kids ended up hating me. I always had a problem with drinking that was my downfall and my aggression regarding my kids. I had a good wife and she stood by me and my sons and my daughters, I can go to any of them but I can’t live with them. I lost...children through drugs, the drink was my downfall.

Five (5) female witnesses reported that their partners had sexually abused their children, two of whom were reported to have received custodial sentences.

Seventy five (75) witnesses, 26 male and 49 female, described having variable relationships with their different children, some finding one or other of their children more difficult to relate to and acknowledged being excessively strict as a result. A number of witnesses described being harsh on their older children and being much closer to their younger children. Other witnesses said that the relationships with their children improved as they got older and they were able to talk to them about their own childhood experiences. A large number of both male and female witnesses reported having more affectionate, close and rewarding bonds with their grandchildren than they had with their own children: I would love to have said the word “mum”. ... When my daughter says it and when I hear my grandchildren say it, it’s lovely. ... My joy today is my grandchildren, they’re lovely. • I stopped it ...(hitting children)... because ... I said it is not the right thing to do. When I had my second child I stopped. My first child thinks terrible of me because I hit her. It does affect them too you know. I used have them cleaning all the time, that’s the way I was brought up. I should never have hit them, I feel a lot of guilt in myself for doing this to them. I was a terrible mam, I was. We get on all right now.