Chapter 14 — Children’s Homes

Current circumstances

Many witnesses who had children of their own reported that their parenting relationships differed according to the stages of their children’s development, their experience as a parent and their own progress since being discharged from the institutions. A male witness made the following comment: When my son reached the age I was when I was kicked and beaten I got very upset, it all came back, I got depressed.... I got violent and abusive in the family.... I was suicidal.... I was so affected by what I saw and what was done to me ... it marked me all my life.

Forty nine (49) witnesses, 29 male and 20 female, reported having children of their own, with family size varying between one and eight children. The average family size was four children. The 49 witnesses reported having 173 children. The majority of witnesses reported that they reared their own children, with the exception of: Five (5) witnesses who reported that altogether 19 of their children had spent periods in out-of-home care. Three (3) female witnesses who reported that they had placed their first-born child for adoption. Two (2) female witnesses who reported that their children were reared by the children’s biological fathers.

Many witnesses considered their inability to parent effectively to be a result of the deprivation and abuse they experienced during their own childhood: I never really had a childhood, some days I wish I had .... I find myself playing with my own son now...crying ...I’m over-protective with my kids ... to be honest I can’t picture myself without the kids ... I had to make a heart breaking decision to put ... (child) ... into voluntary care ... (the child is) ... going on the same path as myself ... I live for me kids. • None of my children are living with me, some of them are in care, some of them are with their dad. I see them all... I need to be beside them. I like being near them, I can phone up anytime...

Twelve (12) witnesses, seven male and five female, gave accounts of being unable to demonstrate feelings of affection to their own children, having grown up in harsh environments without any affectionate bond themselves. One male witness commented ‘I can’t walk over and just give them a hug, I have big trouble showing affection, I never knew what a hug was’. Two (2) male witnesses described having particular difficulties showing affection to their sons and ‘not being available’ as fathers, which they believe to be the result of their own sexual abuse. A female witness describing the impact on her of institutional care commented: It was an abnormal sort of growing up ...it was a very cold, soul-less place. I have a granddaughter now and she loves a cuddle and I think of her and I think now “who ever cuddled me when I was little, who ever put their arms around me?”. The nuns... there were so many of us, they probably didn’t have time but there were lay women there, they were just so cruel...

Witness reports of parenting were characterised by accounts of an inability to demonstrate feelings of love and affection, strenuous efforts to ensure their children were protected from harm, and ambivalent parent–child relationships. Many believed that separation, and the loss of experiences of family life with their own parents and siblings, the lack of a nurturing environment in childhood, combined with the abuse they experienced left them ill-equipped to parent successfully. Others described feelings of enduring sadness regarding the loss of a parent at an early age and being subsequently reared in a Children’s Home without a sense of security or attachment. I couldn’t deal with my own family, my own children, I didn’t want to know. Childhood was very hard, very, very hard. I love me children, but bonding was very, very hard. I would never do nothing wrong to my children, I would never hurt them in that way.... I would shout or roar at them and would go, and maybe not come back for 7 or 10 days. That would be very damaging to them ... they are in care, they said I was not a proper father towards the children.... I feel angry, very, very angry towards institutions.

The following table illustrates the nature of the parent–child relationships, as described by 49 witnesses who had children:

Relationship with children*	Frequency reported by male witnesses	Frequency reported by female witnesses	Total witness reports
Reported normal	10	4	14
Unable to show affection	7	5	12
Overprotective	4	6	10
Harsh	2	4	6
Variable among children	4	3	7
Abusive	2	1	3
No comment	1	1	2
Total number of reports	30	24	54

Some witnesses stated that as a result of their own harsh treatment in childhood they made strenuous efforts to protect their children, resulting, at times, in their being overprotective parents. A number of witnesses expressed anger that the emotional abuse they experienced was having a detrimental impact on the next generation as a consequence of their parenting and relationship difficulties.

Fourteen (14) witnesses, 10 male and four female, reported having generally good parent–child relationships despite encountering some periods of difficulty with one or other of their children. A number of witnesses commented that difficulties arose when their child was the same age as they were at the time they were abused. Many witnesses commented on the support and positive contribution of spouses who assisted them in their parental role and were understanding of the difficulties they encountered.

Seven (7) witnesses reported that their children had significant behavioural and emotional difficulties that required episodes of residential and day treatment in mental health and addiction counselling services. Four (4) witnesses reported the loss of children in tragic circumstances, including suicide and accidents.

Six (6) witnesses reported that the regimented and abusive environments they experienced in Children’s Homes contributed at times to harsh relationships with their own children. Five (5) other witnesses described having been physically abusive to their children. A small number of witnesses reported that contact with their adult children had been lost following episodes of abuse or neglect in their childhoods.

It was frequently remarked by witnesses that the difficulties they experienced as parents and the inability to show love and affection to their own children were overcome in their role as grandparents. Many witnesses reported having mutually rewarding and enjoyable relationships with their grandchildren.

The practice of separating boys and girls when they were admitted to out-of-home care in the pre-1970s was reported by witnesses to have contributed to the fragmentation of their families. The painful impact of being separated from siblings was experienced both during the witnesses’ time in the institutions and following discharge. Thirty (30) witnesses, 17 male and 13 female, reported feeling disconnected, having little contact with their siblings and other family members since their discharge from the Homes. A number of these witnesses reported feeling rejected by and alienated from their family members, which they believed was the result of separation and lack of contact in their childhood.

Twenty one (21) witnesses, 14 male and seven female, reported that contact with family members was frequently characterised by ambivalence and conflict. Many witnesses described having ongoing and close contact with a number of their siblings and almost no communication with others. Seventeen (17) witnesses gave accounts of receiving help and support from extended family members following their discharge, including grandmothers, aunts and uncles, in the absence of such assistance being available from parents and siblings.

Ten (10) witnesses had no contact with any family members, including four male and two female witnesses who had no information about their families in spite of their attempts to trace relatives.

The majority of witnesses reported a history of full employment since their discharge from the Children’s Homes. Twenty (20) witnesses, 15 male and five female, reported being employed for 30 years or more. A further 13 witnesses, five male and eight female, were employed for 10 years or more. Thirty one (31) witnesses, 17 male and 14 female, reported being in full-time employment at the time of their hearings. Table 78 illustrates the employment status of witnesses reported at their hearing:

Employment status	Male	Female	Total witnesses
Employed	8	12	20
Retired	11	2	13
Disability income	2	1	3
Unemployed	8	2	10
Self-employed	6	2	8
Defence Forces	3	0	3
Working at home	0	4	4
Total	38	23	61