Chapter 15 — Foster care

Knowledge of abuse

Six (6) witnesses reported that they either told their foster mothers that they were being sexually abused by their foster fathers or the foster mothers became aware of the sexual abuse as a result of subsequent events. In four instances the foster mothers were reported to either disbelieve the witness or blame them for the resultant problems in the family. One witness reported that her foster mother said ‘there are no bad men, only bad women’, when she learned that the witness had been sexually abused by the foster father over a number of years. Another foster mother was reported to blame the witness for trying to ‘come between’ herself and her husband. The witness reported that the foster mother was physically abusing both the witness and another foster child in the foster father’s absence. We said to ...foster mother... that he was always pulling on himself ... (masturbating)..., but she didn’t believe us. She said we were just jealous, that we didn’t want her to be going out at night time,... (leaving witness with foster father)... and she ignored it.

Two (2) witnesses reported that while their foster mothers were distressed by the disclosures of sexual abuse against their husbands, they accepted what they were told and assisted the witness to be protected. The witnesses acknowledged positive aspects of the general care they received in the foster homes and were afraid that the security of their placement would be compromised by disclosing the fact of their sexual abuse.

Three (3) witnesses believed that other adults were aware of the abuse they were subjected to by observing what happened. They reported that no action was taken to address the abusive situations. For example, one witness described being constantly assaulted by a member of the foster family. This behaviour occurred in view of the foster parents whom the witness believed exploited her presence in the family as a means of coping with their other difficulties. In a separate foster home another female witness stated that she was treated by the family doctor for burns to her arm having been hit with a hot poker by her foster mother. Eventually they called the doctor, she warned me when he came I was to keep my mouth shut, she would tell him what happened.... I thought, “at least, thank God, it will come out now” ...distressed... because I didn’t think she would tell a lie.... But she told the doctor that she couldn’t keep me away from the fire and that I had come down and put my hand straight on the bars...(of the fire grate).... The doctor told me off.

A witness who reported being taken to hospital for treatment of burns and a head injury following different assault incidents reported being asked no questions by the hospital staff regarding how his injuries were sustained. This witness also reported being sent to school with his arm in a sling following a beating without any questions being asked by the teachers regarding his injury.

One witness’s disclosure of sexual abuse precipitated an investigation by the supervising authorities. The witness reported that she believed the outcome of the investigation was compromised by the fact that the professionals and foster parents were socially acquainted. The witness reported being eventually successful in having her abuse acknowledged and being protected from further abuse.

Positive experiences

Thirteen (13) witnesses reported a range of positive experiences in relation to their time both in foster care and in employment placements after they were discharged. Despite making reports of physical and sexual abuse six witnesses also reported that their foster parents were kind and provided them with good homes where they felt accepted. These reports related to both non-abusing foster parents and, in three instances, to the foster parent who also abused them. I don’t want to take it...(childhood abuse)... any further.... They...(foster parents)... are part of my family now, always will be...I think no matter who you are or where you are in life you all need somewhere to go back to, we all need a base...just to say to anybody that you have a family somewhere, that you’re not a total orphan. I do need a family, of course I do, I’m a human being. • I never knew I could do things ...everyone worked very hard to help me... (at work)...the people I worked with were really kind, the tutors used to carry on at me saying “come on”...(by way of encouragement) • My boss used to say “you have your black dog”...(depression)... and I’d say “yes”, she’d say “go work out the back where no-one will disturb you”.

Three (3) witnesses stated that they enjoyed going to school where they were well treated by kind teachers whom they believed were sympathetic regarding their home circumstances. Four (4) other witnesses commented on the particular kindness of neighbours whom they believed knew they were not well treated in their foster placements and found opportunities to extend small treats. One witness described being given sweets by the shopkeeper when sent to get alcohol for a foster parent. Other witnesses commented: I would go to a neighbour who I knew would welcome me...they have been very important people in my life, very influential because of their kindness. • I could smell trouble and get out the window like greased lightning and go to the neighbours at the back, they understood.

Four (4) witnesses reported that they were well provided for in their foster homes in terms of being well fed and clothed but that they were expected to work hard in exchange for the care they received, as one witness remarked ‘it was ok until the work started’.

Current circumstances

The witnesses who reported abuse in foster care described widely divergent adult life circumstances, the main themes of which are reported below. On the basis of information provided, it is believed that these differences reflect the length of time witnesses spent in out-of-home care, the extent of abuse they were exposed to while in foster care, the circumstances in which the abuse occurred, and the outcome of their disclosures at the time.5

Eleven (11) witnesses were married at the time of their hearings and another three were widowed after marriages of over 20 years’ duration. While acknowledging difficulties, seven of the witnesses reported that their marriages were stable, happy and supportive as did two of those witnesses now widowed: I am so, so lucky I met...wife..., such a lovely woman, I am sure I must have been a terrible torment to her at times. • I was terrified of getting married, I didn’t know if I could love someone...my husband, he put up with me. I wasn’t interested in sex, to me it was dirty, it had no nice romantic feel about it. I feel I was a failure as a wife to him...sex was always a chore and that was wrong, but I could do nothing about it. I tried to compensate... I kept a good home....

Six (6) witnesses reported that their marriages had been or were currently unhappy and unstable, four of them reported living with violent and abusive partners and two were separated from previous partners with whom they had children.

Three (3) witnesses had either married or become involved in a relationship and become pregnant before they were 20 years old. They each described their early relationships as unsuccessful attempts to have a life of their own away from their foster family.

Five (5) witnesses who were single stated that they had either not been able to sustain an intimate relationship because they felt too ashamed of their personal circumstances or were deterred from engaging in a close relationship by their experience of being sexually abused. Three (3) other witnesses were separated.

Two (2) witnesses reported that they were co-habiting, one of whom had experienced long periods of homelessness and emotional turmoil, while the other, younger witness reported a briefer and more settled relationship history.

Several witnesses also commented on the general difficulty they experienced relating to people they met socially, after they left foster care. They described social relationships as complicated by their inexperience of normal social interactions and family relationships. Witnesses reported learning how to cope by observing others and by being fortunate enough to have kind employers who understood their difficulties. Some witnesses commented that they have continued to struggle with this aspect of their lives. I didn’t know how to function and I’d have to go around and ask people “how do I deal with this?” I pick people and I latch on to them and I learn from them because I suppose they have certain values I look for...I mean you can’t love unless you are shown love... • That,...(working as live-in housekeeper)... was the first time that I saw what a family life was... to see how a family lived together, see how it could be.