Chapter 15 — Foster care

Positive experiences

Thirteen (13) witnesses reported a range of positive experiences in relation to their time both in foster care and in employment placements after they were discharged. Despite making reports of physical and sexual abuse six witnesses also reported that their foster parents were kind and provided them with good homes where they felt accepted. These reports related to both non-abusing foster parents and, in three instances, to the foster parent who also abused them. I don’t want to take it...(childhood abuse)... any further.... They...(foster parents)... are part of my family now, always will be...I think no matter who you are or where you are in life you all need somewhere to go back to, we all need a base...just to say to anybody that you have a family somewhere, that you’re not a total orphan. I do need a family, of course I do, I’m a human being. • I never knew I could do things ...everyone worked very hard to help me... (at work)...the people I worked with were really kind, the tutors used to carry on at me saying “come on”...(by way of encouragement) • My boss used to say “you have your black dog”...(depression)... and I’d say “yes”, she’d say “go work out the back where no-one will disturb you”.

Three (3) witnesses stated that they enjoyed going to school where they were well treated by kind teachers whom they believed were sympathetic regarding their home circumstances. Four (4) other witnesses commented on the particular kindness of neighbours whom they believed knew they were not well treated in their foster placements and found opportunities to extend small treats. One witness described being given sweets by the shopkeeper when sent to get alcohol for a foster parent. Other witnesses commented: I would go to a neighbour who I knew would welcome me...they have been very important people in my life, very influential because of their kindness. • I could smell trouble and get out the window like greased lightning and go to the neighbours at the back, they understood.

Four (4) witnesses reported that they were well provided for in their foster homes in terms of being well fed and clothed but that they were expected to work hard in exchange for the care they received, as one witness remarked ‘it was ok until the work started’.

Current circumstances

The witnesses who reported abuse in foster care described widely divergent adult life circumstances, the main themes of which are reported below. On the basis of information provided, it is believed that these differences reflect the length of time witnesses spent in out-of-home care, the extent of abuse they were exposed to while in foster care, the circumstances in which the abuse occurred, and the outcome of their disclosures at the time.5

Eleven (11) witnesses were married at the time of their hearings and another three were widowed after marriages of over 20 years’ duration. While acknowledging difficulties, seven of the witnesses reported that their marriages were stable, happy and supportive as did two of those witnesses now widowed: I am so, so lucky I met...wife..., such a lovely woman, I am sure I must have been a terrible torment to her at times. • I was terrified of getting married, I didn’t know if I could love someone...my husband, he put up with me. I wasn’t interested in sex, to me it was dirty, it had no nice romantic feel about it. I feel I was a failure as a wife to him...sex was always a chore and that was wrong, but I could do nothing about it. I tried to compensate... I kept a good home....

Six (6) witnesses reported that their marriages had been or were currently unhappy and unstable, four of them reported living with violent and abusive partners and two were separated from previous partners with whom they had children.

Three (3) witnesses had either married or become involved in a relationship and become pregnant before they were 20 years old. They each described their early relationships as unsuccessful attempts to have a life of their own away from their foster family.

Five (5) witnesses who were single stated that they had either not been able to sustain an intimate relationship because they felt too ashamed of their personal circumstances or were deterred from engaging in a close relationship by their experience of being sexually abused. Three (3) other witnesses were separated.

Two (2) witnesses reported that they were co-habiting, one of whom had experienced long periods of homelessness and emotional turmoil, while the other, younger witness reported a briefer and more settled relationship history.

Several witnesses also commented on the general difficulty they experienced relating to people they met socially, after they left foster care. They described social relationships as complicated by their inexperience of normal social interactions and family relationships. Witnesses reported learning how to cope by observing others and by being fortunate enough to have kind employers who understood their difficulties. Some witnesses commented that they have continued to struggle with this aspect of their lives. I didn’t know how to function and I’d have to go around and ask people “how do I deal with this?” I pick people and I latch on to them and I learn from them because I suppose they have certain values I look for...I mean you can’t love unless you are shown love... • That,...(working as live-in housekeeper)... was the first time that I saw what a family life was... to see how a family lived together, see how it could be.

Twenty (20) witnesses, six male and 14 female, reported having a total of 76 children, not all of whom they subsequently reared. One witness reported that she placed a child for adoption and two others reported that their children were either placed in foster care or reared by their biological fathers. Three (3) witnesses reported that they either adopted children or reared step-children in addition to their own biological children.

One witness reported that one of her children was sexually abused by a violent partner, four other witnesses commented that their parenting experience was negatively influenced by the presence of violent and abusive partners, or by their own harsh and critical behaviour.

Two (2) witnesses reported that they had no children and there was no information available regarding two other witnesses’ parenting experience.

Ten (10) witnesses reported that they enjoyed being a parent and had good relationships with their children, most of whom were independent adults at the time of the hearings. Education and family stability were important aspects of the parenting experience for these witnesses. We reared the... children we had... it was a terrible struggle...financially...it wasn’t easy, but it was joyful at the same time. We have a wonderful family of children and grandkids now and I am so happy that I got to this stage because there were periods in my life when I thought I was going to be killed or die and that is a fact.

Eight (8) witnesses reported that relationships with their children varied over the duration of their parenting. Five (5) witnesses commented on the difficulties they experienced with their first child compared with later children. The different experiences were attributed in some instances to post-natal depression, immaturity, and the early death of a child.