Chapter 18 — Residential Laundries, Novitiates, Hostels and other settings

Current circumstances

The Committee heard accounts from many witnesses of difficulties settling in employment or relationships following their discharge, which in many instances continued through their later adult lives. They described frequent movement between Ireland and the UK, life-long isolation and loss of family contact. When I came out I was like a wild cat, I did not know what way to turn.... My life is destroyed. I never go outside the door... • I used to go down with the drink, I kept moving jobs.... All my life I blamed myself, I had the guilt of it....When I realised I was a victim, in counselling, in the last few years up to that I blamed myself....I blame myself for not being that friendly with any of my brothers and sisters.... • Once you have been there ... (abused)... you never get out of their sights. I never come back since the day I left this country....

Witnesses gave accounts of physical or verbal aggression that affected their relationships. Others described enduring feelings of anger and reported that their abusive experiences are not easily forgotten. When I drank no one could ever hurt me, no one could physically hurt me again. I drank like a fish.... I’d get terrible flashbacks ... (to episodes of sexual abuse with violence)... and then I’d get panic attacks. I had no respect for myself.... I had numerous hospitalizations ...described attempts at self-harm.... I ended up in the ... (homeless shelter).... There’s a child ... that I haven’t seen for ... years. There was no point because of the drink.

All male witnesses who reported abuse in Novitiates stated that they left the religious Communities as young adults. They gave accounts of feeling disconnected for many years and had difficulties settling in work, relationships and accommodation. Three (3) witnesses described experiencing shame as having ‘let the whole family down’ or that they had brought shame on both themselves and their families. One male witness commented that he found it difficult to live in Ireland with the label of having failed to complete religious training. Witnesses reported that treatment for depression, alcohol abuse, and issues related to trust and anger contributed to more settled lives and relationships in later years.

Fifteen (15) witnesses reported that they required counselling and therapy currently or in the past, a number of whom described the benefit for themselves and for their families. My counsellor, she was a life-saver really. She understands, she was very conscious of the fact of the effect it could have on me. She is the one person I don’t feel ashamed with, I felt ashamed most of my life, I felt bad most of my life. I’m working hard at not feeling bad again.... When I walk up the street I’m still very much on the edge....

Six (6) male witnesses reported that they had histories of involvement in criminal activity and associated violence, four of whom gave accounts of having served custodial sentences. These witnesses each reported being abused in more than one out-of-home facility as children. ...Thirty five years ago this happened to me.... I know I’m a decent person or I was a decent person until I was 14 years of age, I didn’t know anything. I just feel bitter and resentful, why I couldn’t have a better life, a better marriage and do the things a father wants to be? I’ll never be their father because I’m not around.... It carried with me all my life, the violence, which I’m not proud of...

Difficulties in work situations, overcoming poor self-image, lack of self-worth and educational disadvantage was commonly reported. Female witnesses described being anxious, fearful, lacking trust and having episodes of tearfulness. A number of those who had experienced abuse in laundries and other residential facilities described effects such as claustrophobia, sleep disturbance, enduring anger, and shame related to having been ‘inside an institution’. Other witnesses described feelings of guilt and self-blame, which in some instances led them to feel that they were responsible for the sexual and other abuse they had suffered: I couldn’t have a man who showed friendship to me. Every time you had a good job I moved....There was a man who ... (offered assistance with employment)...I couldn’t trust him. That happened a lot of times in my life...

A number of witnesses commented to the Committee that the effects of their childhood abuse ‘are still felt’, and as one witness reported; ‘for several years I had nightmares of being drawn back to the Institution’. Others remarked that coping with memories of childhood abuse is a constant struggle: The older I get I find these years haunt me, I will carry it to the grave with me.... The nuns made you feel as if you’re a nobody and you never have any roots.... As the years go by you try not to be spiteful, I try not to be bitter. ... I have bad days and then I have good days.