Chapter 7 — Record of abuse (male witnesses)

Witnesses response to abuse

Three hundred and eight (308) witnesses reported that fear was their predominant response to the abuse they both observed and experienced and that on occasion they feared for their own and others’ lives. Eleven (11) witnesses reported fearing that they would be killed. Witnesses also described harming or attempting to harm themselves in the context of being abused. They reported wishing that the physical or sexual abuse they were subjected to would cease and being unable to trust that anyone would help or believe them if they disclosed what was happening. We never told anyone what was happening. We thought they had the right to do what they were doing, to beat us. Why would we tell anyone when they would only beat us more? We were terrified of those men in long trousers, we were just little fellas in short trousers. The worst part for me was the dormitory and the bed-wetting ...(and the beatings).... I still wet the bed and hate going away anywhere because I am so embarrassed about it. I tried to kill myself there.

Ninety five (95) witnesses reported absconding and another 28 reported that they tried to run away in order to escape the environment of fear and repeated physical and sexual abuse, including flogging. Resisting sexual abuse was reported to generally result in physical violence and further sexual abuse. There were 14 witness accounts of sexual abuse ceasing following gestures of resistance and avoidance. In a number of instances these witness reported subsequently becoming the target of routine physical abuse. One day in the laundry he ...(Br X)... was coming up behind me, I knew what he wanted ...(sexual abuse)... and I just freaked. I picked up the first thing that came into my hand, I hit him and knocked his glasses off. He kicked me up the arse and that was it, I was out of the laundry ...(where witness had been working).... He was always at me after that, every chance he’d get he would have me down on my knees in the yard as punishment for something. • He, Fr...X..., would take out 6 or 7 for walks and would sexually abuse you, you know. If you protested well then he would not bring you the next time ...(out for walks).... I got punished when I protested, I got punished after that for no reason. • The farmers ...(residents who worked on farm)... were always the last in to the showers. It ...(sexual abuse)... only happened when you were clean. Other times you would stink and they wouldn’t touch you, so I used let myself really stink.

Two hundred and eight (208) witnesses described not knowing what to do in response to being abused. They reported feeling helpless and defenceless and under constant threat of further abuse. Very seldom, boys did fight back, they had great courage. ... God did they have courage those who fought back. I always regret I didn’t fight back ...crying.... You knew from the day you arrived no one was going to help you, there was no one.

One hundred and forty six (146) witnesses who had been threatened or punished following disclosure of abuse reported that they subsequently withdrew emotionally and isolated themselves as they felt powerless and did not trust that any protection was available. Other responses included screaming, crying, suppressing anger, bed-wetting and soiling. Of those who reported a history of bed-wetting while in the School a large number reported that they did not wet their bed prior to admission. ‘I became a very bad bed-wetter I had never been a bed-wetter before. ... Every night I was there for 5 years there was a list called out of those who had wet the bed.’ I lived in terror and fear. I started wetting the bed, I never did it before. You would stand at the end of the bed for the punishment ... slaps with a leather strap all over. ... I tried not to sleep I’d try and hide the stain, so as not to be punished. It became a way of life. Some boys could take a hundred slaps and would not cry, others would be screaming for mercy. • But even when you weren’t being hit, you could hear this echo, in this big dormitory like a hall, and you could hear the crushing sound, and the blow, and the screams, night after night after night. I used to do this ...demonstrated rocking motion... to take me away from it, the beatings and the screaming and the fear. I wanted to stop it, I would dream about getting a gun and shooting them to stop it.

Eighteen (18) witnesses reported that they attempted to commit suicide and actively harmed themselves during their time in the Schools, most frequently in the context of being sexually abused or being consistently physically abused. Attempts at self-harm included throwing themselves from heights, ingesting objects, overdosing on veterinary medication, self-mutilation, attempted drowning and self-inflicted burns. Others described having suicidal thoughts or a wish to die or hurt themselves. I cut myself, overdosed, swallowed pins. I was ashamed and embarrassed. ... I ripped myself apart, cut myself, legs, arms. I mean seriously, I was admitted to hospital.... • I tried to kill myself in the time I was there. I locked myself in the bathroom and I was running against the wall trying to injure my head on the wall. I think there was an awful lot of fellas who did commit suicide. You had nobody, absolutely nobody. You couldn’t turn to anybody, you never felt safe, the kitchen, the dormitories, the farmyard. I used to go into a cupboard and cry. • I went down and got a piece of glass and cut my hand. I didn’t care what happened, I just wanted to get out of the School. I just thought that by cutting my hand I’d be taken up to the hospital and could tell someone there. The nurse saw my hand cut and asked me what happened and I told her ...(about being severely beaten by Br X).... I was terrified they ...(Brothers)... would know I’d told her, she created murder and told Fr ...Y.... But he did nothing. • When I was in bed I used to cry and wish I’d die. I’d think “I don’t want to wake up”. Whenever you were in the dormitory you knew there was something going to happen to you. You’d want to be dead instead of waking up.

In addition to the witnesses who reported harming themselves, a number also reported that they contemplated harming lay and religious staff who were abusive and in five instances described actively doing so.

In summary, this chapter has provided an overview of abuse reported to the Committee by 413 male witnesses in relation to Industrial and Reformatory Schools. The reported abuse was differentiated by type: physical and sexual abuse, neglect and emotional abuse presented accordingly. Where possible, the chapter sections have been illustrated with direct quotes from witnesses, some of whom were recounting their experiences for the first time to a third party. While describing their experiences witnesses also gave accounts of the circumstances in which the abuse occurred and the traumatic impact of their experiences both at the time and as they are recalled. In addition, the information provided about the position and occupations of those who were reported abusers is included with witness accounts of who they told, and what they believe was known about the abuse they experienced at the time.

The following two chapters will provide similarly detailed information about the general conditions and everyday life experiences in the girls Schools together with reported abuse experiences of 378 female witnesses.