Chapter 9 — Record of abuse (female witnesses)

Emotional abuse

In addition to the reported trauma associated with loss of contact with parents, relatives and siblings, a small number of witnesses also reported the distress of being removed from weekend and ‘holiday’ families where they had developed strong attachments. Other witnesses recalled being told they were getting ‘too close’ to the family and their placements were terminated. I had one really, really lovely experience with ...named ‘foster’ family.... They wanted to adopt me ...crying... they were lovely, I loved them so much. I would have been educated and been part of a family ...crying... but they weren’t allowed.... I had to go to another family, most of them were awful.

The Committee heard 119 witness reports of emotional abuse in the form of deprivation of affection. Witnesses reported a constant and basic absence of affection and approval during their time in the Schools and that this loss had a lasting impact. Lack of affection was described as the absence of a kind word, praise or encouragement, any gesture or demonstration of affection or the acknowledgement of pain and upset. The lack of an attachment figure and secure relationship left many witnesses feeling disconnected and insecure. Witnesses who were in Schools from a young age reported this absence with particular emphasis. ‘You wouldn’t know what love or sympathy looked like.’ It takes me a long time to trust people.... I know I suffered in my head when I was there, I had a lot of anxiety. ... There was never any contact ... no hug or anything like that.... I don’t ever remember any contact with anyone as a small child.

Several witnesses described being deprived of objects that they were attached to at the time of their admission, including, pictures, dolls and soft toys. This deprivation extended to pets that some witnesses became attached to while they were residents of the Schools. We were not allowed animals.... I was an animal lover, there were wild cats and kittens going around starving, I used to sneak them into the dormitory. I had a kitten. She, this nun, called me one night, I won’t mention her name, if I do it will make me feel sick. ... She said “you see that kitten you have there” ... she got me out of my bed by the hair, and brought me down, they had one of those Aga stoves she said “that cat you have there” ... I can still see the stove that you put coal in the top, she said take “that top off”. I had to go up on my knees, she said “take the top off”, I had to do what I was told. What I had to do next was the killer ...distressed.... I had to put the cat in there and put the lid on it ... and the screams.... Then she...Sister... said “go back to your bed”. The next morning ... she got me out of my bed and she made me rake that fire out ... and I had to pick that up ...crying... and she said “never again bring a cat into this dormitory” ... That’s the worst thing that ever happened to me in ...named School... I think I was about 12 at the time.

The majority of witnesses reported that religious and lay staff actively discouraged commonly used forms of affection, including hugs and words of comfort or approval both between residents and from older girls towards the younger residents in their care. A number of witnesses described the pleasure they obtained from looking after babies and young children for the opportunity it provided to both give and receive affection. They reported that although affectionate attachments were not condoned, they were discreetly maintained. Witnesses recalled not understanding why they were punished for demonstrating their affection to co-residents and friends. Sometimes if the baby cried they would lift it up by its feet and wallop it. You couldn’t have a pet, you were not allowed to show loving towards any little baby. When you were minding ...(babies)... you were not allowed pick it up if it was crying.... You’d have to pick them up and put them on pots, the bigger girls would show you. I remember being put on the pot myself by the older girls. • We were standing in a line for Confession, we were 3 in a line about 20 of us, and you know the way your pal wants to be your partner ...(linking arms)... you want to be hers, you know, like friends. Mth ...X... came along, she just dragged me out of the line by the head and brought me into the store room. She took a big scissors and she ...crying... cut my whole head in pieces, she cut the hair in lumps. She left me there on my knees the whole day, when I would hear her coming, I would be on me hunkers and I would start kneeling. I was kneeling from 12 o’clock until 6 o’clock that evening.

One hundred and six (106) witnesses reported that observing other residents being beaten or otherwise abused was a most disturbing experience that endured in their memory. The public nature of physical abuse, as previously described, led to many residents being routinely exposed to the trauma of watching and hearing their co-residents being abused. I saw her once, this girl was in it ...(bed).... Mth ...X... came up with that cane and pulled out the bedclothes ...crying... she walloped her ...crying... in front of all of us, she walloped her until she was tired ...crying.... That poor girl she suffered, they were very hard on her, the ...lay care staff members... who worked there, punishments were severe. • We witnessed it ...(sexual abuse of co-residents by external clergy).... But we couldn’t do nothing. He used put his hand up and down her skirt. One of the girls, she was abused terrible by him, she spent years in a mental hospital, she was one of the gullible ones. • We used to have a cook. She was very slow, she couldn’t talk right, he ...(external priest)... used go to her room at night-times ...(and sexually abuse her).... We used to hear her cry, her room was beside our bathrooms. All the girls, we didn’t know exactly what he was doing to her, we used hear her cry, she was an old woman but slow, she cried all the time in the kitchen.

Having to observe others being punished was regarded as being a deliberate strategy to deter residents from whatever behaviour was being sanctioned. Witnesses described the particularly harsh treatment to which returned absconders were subjected as an example of punishments being used as a deterrent. Some witnesses reported that watching others being beaten was worse than being beaten oneself, particularly when the resident being beaten was a younger resident or one’s sibling.

Twenty seven (27) witnesses reported watching their own brother or sister being beaten, including at times being forced to assist by restraining their hand or limb while they were being hit. Other witnesses, who were themselves immature, had responsibility for caring for younger co-residents, including siblings, described the distress they experienced when their ‘charges’ were beaten. Some of the kids ...(charges)... used wet the bed they used to have to clean their own bed up and they would be hit. They used to have to clean the faeces and everything, that was not fair, that’s ...(soiling)... a nerves thing. I used to feel sorry for them. I remember a nun beating a child up because he wet his nappy or something, she slapped him with her hand over and over. I said “you shouldn’t beat him”. • I was like a mother hen to them, I loved them and was afraid of anything happening to them. I’d hug them and mind them, I can’t do it now ...(to own children).... My mind was full up of watching my 2 sisters ...(being beaten).... I was never able to say to my children I ...(love you).... • The girl who was in charge of you ...(older girl)... would have to wait by you while you were being beaten, and then they would take you away and clean you up, and stay with you until you were OK.. • My sister ... was making her Holy Communion, I was 5 and she was 7 at the time ...crying.... I was waiting for her to come down with her dress on.... You know the way you were not supposed to eat before Holy Communion? I was waiting and the next thing she was tumbling over the banister, because she ate a sweet. She was thrown over the banister, by Sr ...X.... They were saying, “she ate a sweet, she ate a sweet”, that was totally against the rules you know. I could hear the nun screaming at her, she hit her and she put her over the banister there was kind of a long stairs. I saw blood, I saw her on the floor, that’s my first memory of ...witness’s sister... and I don’t remember anything after that, all I remember is her lying there. I just wanted to see her in her dress. I still have nightmares of that.

Many witnesses reported that they preferred to be beaten themselves than watch others being beaten. They reported that they intervened with staff when possible if a younger or more vulnerable child or sibling was being beaten. The Committee heard three accounts from witnesses who were transferred to more restrictive institutions following such altercations with staff.

Eighty two (82) witnesses gave accounts of being isolated, ostracised and segregated from their peers. They reported being locked up by religious and lay staff under stairs, in broom cupboards, fridges, washing machines, coal sheds, toilets, furnace rooms, outhouses and in sheds with animals, as punishment for various behaviours. There were many reports of some of these locations being infested with mice and rats. The cubby hole ... was the worst, if you were bold or wet the bed they put you in there, in the dark on your knees and you daren’t come out. Sr ...X... said before she put me in “mind you don’t get eaten by the rats”. There were brushes in there and polish, I can’t forget that smell. There was someone in there daily.... A lot of my punishment was because I wasn’t eating.

Witnesses also reported being separated from their co-residents for periods of time in bathrooms, on corridors and staircases and alone in dormitories. Reports of isolation included being confined in these places in the dark, which exacerbated the distress experienced. Witnesses described hearing the Sister turning the key in the locks of doors and cupboards and walking away. Seven (7) witnesses reported that they were forgotten about and were rescued by others in response to their screams. Four (4) witnesses from one School reported being made to spend the night in an outside shed with the pigs. Another witness reported being locked into an outside toilet by religious staff and that her cries were heard by a man passing on the street who came in and drew attention to the fact she was there. She was released by one of the Sisters who berated her for being silly enough to lock herself in to the toilet and causing everyone to worry about her.

In addition to reports of being physically isolated, a number of witnesses reported being ostracised by co-residents on instruction from religious staff. Witnesses reported being made to sit apart from co-residents in the classroom and refectory and being ostracised in the playground: The priest was told that I was bold and that no one was to talk to me, they were all told not to talk to me.... There was no one to talk to, no one knew what you were feeling, there was no one to say “you’re alright”. You would be mortified, the whole School would know, you would be called out for robbing ...(food)... or talking. The others would be told not to talk to you, it sounds silly now but it was the fear ...(of being ostracised).... It was all you had, the cha cha ...(chit chat)... with the others, and then they would be afraid to talk to you. It was awful, you would be isolated, it was awful. • When it came to Sunday they used go out for a walk, I was locked in there ... (small room)... as a punishment. There was no toilet, no chair to sit on, no running water, if you needed to go to the bathroom you couldn’t.

Forty one (41) witnesses reported being deprived of their individual identity in various ways, including being called by a name other than their own, by an allocated number, or by their surname. Witnesses reported being told when they were admitted to the School that they would be called by another name because there was already a resident with their name or because their name was not a recognised saint’s name. ‘Sr ...X... called me ...Y...(not own name).... My name wasn’t saintly, so she gave me a different name.’ Reverend Mother never called me my own name, I was ...X.... She said because I reminded her of a girl who had been there and had left there. I was supposed to be the living picture of her, so my name was changed from ...X... to ...Y.... She called me her name. • I was always called orphan, the “orphans” this and the “orphans” that. I was never called my name, I never knew when my birthday was. One time ...on birthday... Sr ...X... called me and said to me “now you see it, now you don’t.” She dangled this, a bracelet, in front of me and said it was my birthday. I didn’t know, she took it back.

The use of a number to identify residents was regularly reported prior to the mid-1960s. The allocated number was put on the residents’ clothes and was reported by some witnesses to be the most frequently used form of identification. ‘I was called by ...number.... It took away who I was, I was never called anything else.’

Witnesses also reported being punished for certain personal attributes and characteristics, for example being left-handed or having red hair, which they stated were referred to as ‘signs of the devil’ by some Sisters. Witnesses said that at times they were punished simply for the way they looked, and for what was perceived as vanity by religious staff. I was hit for ... having red curly hair, for nothing ... you were not allowed have curly hair, you had to have straight hair like Our Lady. Another girl ... she was battered for having curly hair. I was beaten mercilessly for that, Sr ...X... was a monster, she beat me for it. ... She’d drag you into the office and take her long cane and just beat you and beat you, she was monster in her heart, she beat me black and blue. She had a bamboo cane 4 foot long, she beat me into pulp. She’d be frothing at the mouth anywhere she could get me, she wouldn’t stop. She’d say “you curled your hair last night” and when I’d say “yes, I curled it” she’d stop. I can still hear the cane swooshing, she would hit you anywhere she could get a lash at you, face, head, hands, back ... because I had curly hair. She would call me before I’d go to school, she had castor oil, she would press it into my head, to make it ...(hair)... straight, my face would be swollen from the beatings, the oil would be running down your face. ... You couldn’t have curly hair.

Witnesses reported that not being told they had brothers and sisters in the same or adjacent Schools, in addition to the lack of family contact, contributed to a sense of having no real identity and of being ‘nobody’. This feeling was compounded by being called by number rather than their name and having no sense of being part of a family network.