Chapter 14 — Children’s Homes

Current circumstances

Forty five (45) witnesses, 27 male and 18 female, were or had been married, 32 of whom had been married for more than 20 years at the time of their hearing. Nineteen (19) of the 45 witnesses, 12 male and seven female, described being happily married. Others described marriage as providing stability and a sense of connection: ‘I married the first person that showed me love’.

Eight (8) witnesses, six male and two female, reported that they were married before they were 20 years old and had conflictual, ambivalent and, in some instances, violent relationships in the early years of marriage. Another five witnesses, one male and four female, reported being involved in violent relationships where alcohol abuse and issues relating to control contributed to marital difficulties.

Thirty nine (39) witnesses, 28 male and 11 female, reported that the inability to trust and relate in intimate relationships were key features of their relationships with spouses and partners. Male witnesses more commonly remarked on their inability to communicate, and their tendency to become isolated, alienated and withdrawn within their partnerships, as one witness commented: ‘It’s hard to be involved, hard to build a bond’. Three (3) witnesses stated that they had never spoken about the abuse they experienced in Children’s Homes to their spouses.

Nine (9) witnesses, three male and six female, reported being unable to settle and described themselves as unable to remain involved in a long-term, committed relationship.

Twelve (12) witnesses, eight male and four female, reported being single for various reasons that included being ‘unable to trust anyone and form a lasting relationship’. Three (3) of these witnesses commented on difficulties in sexual relationships. Others stated that ‘family life is alien’ and ‘I’m not good with relationships’.

Seven (7) witnesses, three male and four female, reported being divorced or separated at the time of their hearing and included alcohol abuse, gambling, mental illness, and domestic violence among the issues that contributed to the breakdown in their marriages. Some female witnesses gave accounts of being involved in relationships in the past but had made a deliberate decision to separate and remain on their own.

Many witnesses who had children of their own reported that their parenting relationships differed according to the stages of their children’s development, their experience as a parent and their own progress since being discharged from the institutions. A male witness made the following comment: When my son reached the age I was when I was kicked and beaten I got very upset, it all came back, I got depressed.... I got violent and abusive in the family.... I was suicidal.... I was so affected by what I saw and what was done to me ... it marked me all my life.

Forty nine (49) witnesses, 29 male and 20 female, reported having children of their own, with family size varying between one and eight children. The average family size was four children. The 49 witnesses reported having 173 children. The majority of witnesses reported that they reared their own children, with the exception of: Five (5) witnesses who reported that altogether 19 of their children had spent periods in out-of-home care. Three (3) female witnesses who reported that they had placed their first-born child for adoption. Two (2) female witnesses who reported that their children were reared by the children’s biological fathers.

Many witnesses considered their inability to parent effectively to be a result of the deprivation and abuse they experienced during their own childhood: I never really had a childhood, some days I wish I had .... I find myself playing with my own son now...crying ...I’m over-protective with my kids ... to be honest I can’t picture myself without the kids ... I had to make a heart breaking decision to put ... (child) ... into voluntary care ... (the child is) ... going on the same path as myself ... I live for me kids. • None of my children are living with me, some of them are in care, some of them are with their dad. I see them all... I need to be beside them. I like being near them, I can phone up anytime...

Twelve (12) witnesses, seven male and five female, gave accounts of being unable to demonstrate feelings of affection to their own children, having grown up in harsh environments without any affectionate bond themselves. One male witness commented ‘I can’t walk over and just give them a hug, I have big trouble showing affection, I never knew what a hug was’. Two (2) male witnesses described having particular difficulties showing affection to their sons and ‘not being available’ as fathers, which they believe to be the result of their own sexual abuse. A female witness describing the impact on her of institutional care commented: It was an abnormal sort of growing up ...it was a very cold, soul-less place. I have a granddaughter now and she loves a cuddle and I think of her and I think now “who ever cuddled me when I was little, who ever put their arms around me?”. The nuns... there were so many of us, they probably didn’t have time but there were lay women there, they were just so cruel...

Witness reports of parenting were characterised by accounts of an inability to demonstrate feelings of love and affection, strenuous efforts to ensure their children were protected from harm, and ambivalent parent–child relationships. Many believed that separation, and the loss of experiences of family life with their own parents and siblings, the lack of a nurturing environment in childhood, combined with the abuse they experienced left them ill-equipped to parent successfully. Others described feelings of enduring sadness regarding the loss of a parent at an early age and being subsequently reared in a Children’s Home without a sense of security or attachment. I couldn’t deal with my own family, my own children, I didn’t want to know. Childhood was very hard, very, very hard. I love me children, but bonding was very, very hard. I would never do nothing wrong to my children, I would never hurt them in that way.... I would shout or roar at them and would go, and maybe not come back for 7 or 10 days. That would be very damaging to them ... they are in care, they said I was not a proper father towards the children.... I feel angry, very, very angry towards institutions.

The following table illustrates the nature of the parent–child relationships, as described by 49 witnesses who had children:

Relationship with children*	Frequency reported by male witnesses	Frequency reported by female witnesses	Total witness reports
Reported normal	10	4	14
Unable to show affection	7	5	12
Overprotective	4	6	10
Harsh	2	4	6
Variable among children	4	3	7
Abusive	2	1	3
No comment	1	1	2
Total number of reports	30	24	54

Some witnesses stated that as a result of their own harsh treatment in childhood they made strenuous efforts to protect their children, resulting, at times, in their being overprotective parents. A number of witnesses expressed anger that the emotional abuse they experienced was having a detrimental impact on the next generation as a consequence of their parenting and relationship difficulties.

Fourteen (14) witnesses, 10 male and four female, reported having generally good parent–child relationships despite encountering some periods of difficulty with one or other of their children. A number of witnesses commented that difficulties arose when their child was the same age as they were at the time they were abused. Many witnesses commented on the support and positive contribution of spouses who assisted them in their parental role and were understanding of the difficulties they encountered.

Seven (7) witnesses reported that their children had significant behavioural and emotional difficulties that required episodes of residential and day treatment in mental health and addiction counselling services. Four (4) witnesses reported the loss of children in tragic circumstances, including suicide and accidents.