Chapter 15 — Foster care

Positive experiences

Four (4) witnesses reported that they were well provided for in their foster homes in terms of being well fed and clothed but that they were expected to work hard in exchange for the care they received, as one witness remarked ‘it was ok until the work started’.

Current circumstances

The witnesses who reported abuse in foster care described widely divergent adult life circumstances, the main themes of which are reported below. On the basis of information provided, it is believed that these differences reflect the length of time witnesses spent in out-of-home care, the extent of abuse they were exposed to while in foster care, the circumstances in which the abuse occurred, and the outcome of their disclosures at the time.5

Eleven (11) witnesses were married at the time of their hearings and another three were widowed after marriages of over 20 years’ duration. While acknowledging difficulties, seven of the witnesses reported that their marriages were stable, happy and supportive as did two of those witnesses now widowed: I am so, so lucky I met...wife..., such a lovely woman, I am sure I must have been a terrible torment to her at times. • I was terrified of getting married, I didn’t know if I could love someone...my husband, he put up with me. I wasn’t interested in sex, to me it was dirty, it had no nice romantic feel about it. I feel I was a failure as a wife to him...sex was always a chore and that was wrong, but I could do nothing about it. I tried to compensate... I kept a good home....

Six (6) witnesses reported that their marriages had been or were currently unhappy and unstable, four of them reported living with violent and abusive partners and two were separated from previous partners with whom they had children.

Three (3) witnesses had either married or become involved in a relationship and become pregnant before they were 20 years old. They each described their early relationships as unsuccessful attempts to have a life of their own away from their foster family.

Five (5) witnesses who were single stated that they had either not been able to sustain an intimate relationship because they felt too ashamed of their personal circumstances or were deterred from engaging in a close relationship by their experience of being sexually abused. Three (3) other witnesses were separated.

Two (2) witnesses reported that they were co-habiting, one of whom had experienced long periods of homelessness and emotional turmoil, while the other, younger witness reported a briefer and more settled relationship history.

Several witnesses also commented on the general difficulty they experienced relating to people they met socially, after they left foster care. They described social relationships as complicated by their inexperience of normal social interactions and family relationships. Witnesses reported learning how to cope by observing others and by being fortunate enough to have kind employers who understood their difficulties. Some witnesses commented that they have continued to struggle with this aspect of their lives. I didn’t know how to function and I’d have to go around and ask people “how do I deal with this?” I pick people and I latch on to them and I learn from them because I suppose they have certain values I look for...I mean you can’t love unless you are shown love... • That,...(working as live-in housekeeper)... was the first time that I saw what a family life was... to see how a family lived together, see how it could be.

Twenty (20) witnesses, six male and 14 female, reported having a total of 76 children, not all of whom they subsequently reared. One witness reported that she placed a child for adoption and two others reported that their children were either placed in foster care or reared by their biological fathers. Three (3) witnesses reported that they either adopted children or reared step-children in addition to their own biological children.

One witness reported that one of her children was sexually abused by a violent partner, four other witnesses commented that their parenting experience was negatively influenced by the presence of violent and abusive partners, or by their own harsh and critical behaviour.

Two (2) witnesses reported that they had no children and there was no information available regarding two other witnesses’ parenting experience.

Ten (10) witnesses reported that they enjoyed being a parent and had good relationships with their children, most of whom were independent adults at the time of the hearings. Education and family stability were important aspects of the parenting experience for these witnesses. We reared the... children we had... it was a terrible struggle...financially...it wasn’t easy, but it was joyful at the same time. We have a wonderful family of children and grandkids now and I am so happy that I got to this stage because there were periods in my life when I thought I was going to be killed or die and that is a fact.

Eight (8) witnesses reported that relationships with their children varied over the duration of their parenting. Five (5) witnesses commented on the difficulties they experienced with their first child compared with later children. The different experiences were attributed in some instances to post-natal depression, immaturity, and the early death of a child.

Four (4) witnesses commented on their difficulty establishing emotional bonds with their own children. One witness described herself as being a ‘terrified mother’, who, as a result of her childhood experiences, lacked confidence in her ability to relate to her children. Another witness described a close relationship with her family who learned to live with her difficulty expressing emotion: I’ve gone numb inside...it’s what it does to your feeling...I couldn’t say “I love you”, she ...(granddaughter) ...tells me she loves me and I can’t tell her... my son teases me because he knows I can’t cope with emotions... they’re used to it.

Eleven (11) witnesses reported attending second or third-level education, while 12 others did not proceed beyond primary school. As previously reported 11 witnesses reported being kept out of school on a regular basis to work for their foster parents, five of whom reported receiving a negligible education as a result of the expectations placed on them to assist with farm and housework. Witnesses commented that their subsequent working lives were disadvantaged by this early neglect of their education. Witnesses also reported being sent to work when they reached school-leaving age in jobs that provided no prospects for their future employment but that were seen to provide an extra source of income for their foster parents. She...(foster mother)... never let me out of her clutches until I was 20 and went away...(left Ireland).... When I was 15 she arranged for me to go into the commercial laundry for 2 and a half years. She collected the money for that, I never saw it. There was...X number...of us there and no records. I went to...named hospital...after that and I have no records there either...invisible...I can’t get a pension you see because there is no records and no contributions paid, they said that was because it was a training school. I don’t know what we were training for...I was on men’s shirts, ironing them for 2 years.