Chapter 9 — Record of abuse (female witnesses)

Emotional abuse

One hundred and forty-three (143) witnesses described regular, and at times constant, exposure to frightening situations. In the words of one witness: ‘It was pure fear, you would wake up every day and wonder “what’s going to happen to me today?”’. Witnesses described a pervasive fear of being hit and never knowing what might happen next and being constantly apprehensive about the next episode of abuse. Always screaming, wailing, you would be hearing it as you would be going through the corridor, you would hear the screaming, and you would say “Jesus Christ who is getting beaten today?” • You lived in appalling fear, the most appalling fear, you would be terrified. You did not know at what time you would get a beating. I couldn’t explain to you the fear, it was terrible. There was this nun ... she was a very, very wicked woman.... She beat you whenever she felt like it.

In particular witnesses described hearing the screams of girls locked in cupboards and isolated rooms, having to watch young babies being beaten and being themselves locked outside in yards, sheds or in animal houses. For some witnesses the environment of fear was reinforced by death threats against them and/or their siblings particularly in the context of disclosing abuse. Witnesses described the Schools as places with many locked doors and staff who walked around carrying large bunches of keys. The threat of being locked away in isolation in a cupboard, under the stairs or in a room was a daily reality. There was this girl ...named co-resident... she used wet the bed.... Sometimes the girls would have to put her up on the table in the dining room, and they would put this big nappy on her in front of all the girls. She ...lay care staff... said she would make an example of her, it was terrible, all the little ones would be crying. At night time we would be told to take her ...named co-resident... out to where the coal was. ... It was a very small space with no light and we would have to lock her in. She would just go in like a dog, she was so beaten down, and she was left there all night ...crying.... I almost get sick now when I think of it, that I sometimes turned that key and locked her in ...crying.... It was hard, in your head you were screaming “stop, leave her alone”, you were in such fear ...crying.... She would just pick you out of the line and you had to do it, you’d be beaten, you literally lived in fear for you life.

Fifty one (51) witnesses reported being subjected to the explicit and implicit threat of being ‘sent away’. They reported knowing that co-residents were sent to other more restrictive institutions, including psychiatric hospitals, laundries and Reformatory Schools, often behind a veil of secrecy. If you did anything wrong you would be told the black van will come for you, you lived in fear of being sent away in the black van. Sr ...X... would threaten you if you didn’t go to school or whatever, the black van would come for you. I don’t know ... where they all went, they all went missing. I know one girl is up there in ...named psychiatric hospital.... I went to see her myself, she is there to this day. Sr ...X... said she was mad in the head, and all she used to do was sit in a corner and play the tin whistle. She was sent away in the black van, and then you would say “where is ...named co-resident... gone?” You would be told “she is gone away in the black van”. ... If you did something, like steal the nun’s fresh bread, you would be after doing something you shouldn’t have done or one time a girl set fire to a bin. They were sent away in the black van. • You saw the same atrocities being committed and you could do nothing about it, you tried to do something about it but you were afraid of what would happen to you. I worried in case I would not get out of that place alive, there was a point when I thought “be careful”. There were some girls and you didn’t know what’s happened to them.

A small number of witnesses reported that co-residents who had been ill or who were injured following a severe beating were also among those who disappeared and it was not known whether they had been hospitalised or had died. The fear of being sent away was reinforced by the overnight disappearance of co-residents who were discharged without having the opportunity to say goodbye to their sisters, friends and co-residents. Witnesses described older siblings ‘disappearing’ in this manner and not realising what had happened to them until years later. One witness described her own departure: They told you very quietly you were going, just going now! I got a brown case. You kinda didn’t want to go ...crying.... You couldn’t say goodbye to your friends. Sr ...X... wrote to the family ...(work placement)... and told them not to let me pal with other girls from the School...(also placed locally).

The particular fear associated with these threats of being sent away was the belief that those who were transferred to other institutions were then never released. ‘We suffered the fear of being sent to ...laundry... that was the fear that hung over you. ... I saw many a girl go there, I can name them ...named co-residents.... We never saw them again.’ One witness reported that a co-resident was accused of stealing a small amount of money from a local member of the clergy, as a result of which she was subsequently sent to a psychiatric hospital. There was a room, it was my nightmare that room, I was never sent there. She ...(Sr X)... would send them there, some girls, the ones who fought back, and you would hear them screaming, the screams! And you would never see them again, they would be sent away. I was terrified my sister would be sent to a laundry because some of them girls were.

In addition to the fear of being sent away many witnesses believed they could be retained in the School indefinitely. This belief was partially reinforced by the fact that in many Schools there were former residents who had stayed on in the institution and became part of the staff group. Those regarded as orphans, who had no contact with their own family, described being particularly fearful of this outcome.

Witnesses also described as frightening the experience of being given responsibility for the care of babies and young children without appropriate assistance and supervision. Witnesses described the distress experienced by being made to provide care for their younger siblings and being held responsible for their conduct and behaviour, as one witness remarked ‘I was only a child myself’. They described feeling guilty when their ‘charges’ or younger siblings were punished. The allocation of age-inappropriate tasks such as fire-lighting, ironing, the operation of laundry equipment, and kitchen work were all reported as imposing a risk to safety and unreasonable expectations on a child.

Witnesses described a variety of fear inducing situations that were specific to certain staff, for example several witnesses reported being terrorised by staff who dressed up as ghosts and other figures for the purpose of frightening young residents. Others reported that staff had pet animals that they used in an intimidating manner with residents who were frightened of them. Sr ...X ... she used set the farm dogs on us, you were petrified, wherever you hid the dogs would sniff you out, you would have to climb the fence to get away from them.

One hundred and seven (107) witnesses reported that their mothers, fathers or entire families were openly denigrated by both religious and lay care staff in the Schools. In most instances the denigration took the form of verbal abuse and criticism of a witness’ mother, parents or family in the course of being berated or physically abused for some misdemeanour. ‘They would make me feel I was a nobody. They would say “you are ruined, you are ruined like your mother”, Sr ...X... and Sr ...Y... they never stopped.’ Forty (40) witnesses reported that their single mothers were the subject of specific denigration by religious staff. Witnesses stated that the severity of a beating or other physical punishment was regularly associated with remarks about the child’s mother. This was particularly so for witnesses who were non-marital children and had been in institutional care since birth. They recalled being told as they were beaten that it was for ‘the sins of your mother’ and that they would ‘end up in the gutter like your mother’. And in the month of November we used to have to pray for our mothers and fathers who died, we had to pray for them to get out of purgatory but the orphan girls, they were treated worse. They would be told “your mother is burning in hell, you will be punished for the sins of your mother, you workhouse girls”. Then one girl, she was a bit older than me, she was from the workhouse, I remember her being told by the nuns “your mother will never get out, she will be in hell, because of what she did”. • I had ear infections and was told I did not deserve any treatment. Sr ...X... told me I was a spawn of the devil and I didn’t deserve any treatment. “You are the spawn of the devil, every decent person who meets you will know you are the spawn of the devil.”

Witnesses described being told their mothers were ‘sinners’ or ‘filthy prostitutes’ and that they were in the School as a result of their mother’s sins. Hearing it said that their mothers were sinners was a cause of great distress to many witnesses, who described feeling responsible for the fact that their mothers were ‘so bad’. If you stepped out of line she ...(Sr X)... was always insulting my mother and my father, she’d say “your mother is a woman of the streets”, and every night I used be in turmoil in bed and worried about my mother on the streets. I didn’t know what she meant.... We were considered the dregs of society.... My mother was a different religion. We were made to feel so dirty and so low.

Twenty (20) witnesses described being told that their parents had rejected and did not want them, usually in the context of being punished and in conjunction with being criticised. Witnesses described this form of abuse as particularly disturbing. One day, this nun said “if you had a wish what would you wish for?” And I said, without hesitation, it just came out, “I want to find my mother”. “What?” she said “your mother gave you away, she wouldn’t have anything to do with you” she shouted. I ran out and ran to this huge big hallway. I remember sitting there and saying “what have I done, why doesn’t my mother want me?” I was so upset.... I cried myself to sleep. You had nobody ... to talk to. • She ...(Sr X)... would tell us to get dressed up, that our mother was coming up, and we’d all go up and she’d come along laughing and say “what are you smiling at? Your mother is not coming, she doesn’t want you, she doesn’t love you, she has another family”. She’d show us a photograph of our mother with a family she was working for in the town, she’d say “your mother doesn’t want you”.

Seventeen (17) witnesses reported that their mothers’ ethnicity and religion were denigrated by religious staff. Witnesses of mixed race reported being referred to by derogatory names relating to their skin colour and, along with their mothers, being subjected to racial slurs. I used to pal with ...named co-resident.... Sr ...X... used put her into a bath because she was coloured, she used to tell her there was a smell off her. No money would ever, ever, ever compensate her for what she suffered.

One witness reported that derogatory comments were initiated by the Sister in charge and taken up by other staff and girls. Her mother was described as ‘a useless English Protestant’ and when the witness was in trouble it was ascribed to her ‘Protestant blood’. Another witness reported being constantly taunted by the Sister in charge about the fact that her mother had left her and her sibling and returned to England: You lot are being kept by us, cleaning for you, feeding you, caring for you, educating you while your mother ... is in England enjoying herself and does not even bother to write to you.

A small number of witnesses further reported that their parents were humiliated when they came to visit, either by being shown into what was described as ‘the beggars’ parlour’ or being made to wait outside while their child was called. ‘The nuns told me my mother was a prostitute.... They wouldn’t let her in the gate.’

Seven (7) witnesses reported being verbally and otherwise denigrated because they were members of the Travelling community. They described being told that they came from the roadside and other residents were actively encouraged to jeer at them.