2,143 entries for Witness Testimony

Four (4) witnesses from one Children’s Home, which was the subject of reports of physical and sexual abuse, identified the same religious staff member as the person who abused their co-residents. Witnesses described unresolved anger and upset about what they observed and a number were distressed in the process of recounting what had happened to their childhood peers. Named male religious staff...would lose his temper and beat boys viciously, I was hit by him, but I watched severe violence to older boys. In particular I saw ...named co-resident... so severely beaten until he was unable to stand up, he beat him as one man would do to another and not as a man to a boy. He punched him under the chin, about the face and body, and left him in a heap. • Looking back as an adult I did receive abuse, some terrible attacks, but I think psychologically I’d be left more with what I witnessed than what I received. When I was on the receiving end, you just kept your head down, you put yourself into a ball, you didn’t see what was happening to you. Somehow the mind switches off, somehow you can accept it, you just put your head down and stay going and pick yourself up. Personally what I witnessed left more of a scar than what I received.

One witness gave an account of a visit from her mother to advise of her imminent plan to emigrate: as it was not a scheduled visiting day the nun in charge did not allow use of the parlour and terminated the visit. Another witness reported that the religious Resident Manager was believed ‘not to like women and tried to actively discourage my relationship with my sister. He took much the same line with my mother and this was hard.... I knew she ... (mother)... cared for me’.

Five (5) witnesses reported that the consistent use of a number rather than their own name deprived them of their individual identity. One witness commented that she did not know the names of other children who were her daily companions ‘only their number’. A female witness reported having her name changed when she was admitted, as she did not have a saint’s name. Another witness described being physically and verbally abused: Sr ...X... used every opportunity to demean me by calling me by my number, prodding me with her large crucifix on her Rosary beads, beating me with a strap for infringements of discipline. She blamed me for the death of a classmate ... for failing to swallow the host at Holy Communion and ... (then)... vomiting, saying “even God doesn’t want you”.

Two (2) male witnesses reported receiving medical attention for injuries and commented that they had been threatened not to tell anyone how their injury occurred. ‘I had been warned by ... named male religious staff... to say I had fallen down the stairs’. One of these male witnesses stated that as an older boy he attended the casualty department with junior residents who were injured following beatings by members of lay and religious staff. He reported being warned not to comment on the circumstances in which the injuries occurred: Nobody said anything, everybody kept themselves to themselves.... You would be told to go back to your bedroom and keep your mouth shut. You couldn’t do very much anyway, you would be that sore the next day after all the beatings ... (associated with sexual assault)... • I remember I got a good cut across the head there, I had to go to hospital. When ever ...named male religious staff... had gone beyond his limit and he knew what he had done required medical attention you ...(resident)... were put in charge of an older guy ...(co-resident)... to go to the hospital.

Witnesses reported a range of responses to their disclosures of abuse including: being protected from further abuse, punished, ignored or not believed. Eight (8) witnesses reported that they were physically punished and threatened following their disclosures of abuse. Seven (7) other witnesses gave accounts of the abuse continuing, with no immediate action being taken. There was a little fellow there called ...named co-resident..., he hung himself since. We did run away one time because of the abuse was going on towards us. We ran to a Garda station in ...named town... and we reported it but there was nothing done about it. We told them what was going on and the kind of abuse that was going on, I knew what was going on was wrong. I remember well one of the guards ...(Gardaí)... picking up the phone and phoning ...named Children’s Home.... We were brought back to the place ...(by the Gardaí).... We went through hell then when we went back, we got more punishment we were put to bed on the spot... An older fellow would say “come on and have a game of football”, you did not know what was going to happen and 2 or 3 of them would kick you around the field or kick you around the yard and say “if ever you go forward and do that again ...(disclose abuse)... you won’t get out of here alive...”. That was one of the reasons you didn’t tell anyone, that was part of the reason why we ran away from there, there was no one to talk to, my parents didn’t come and visit me, no phone calls, no letters. If you went forward and said “I’m after get... (getting)... beaten up”, they would say “you are telling tales”. They wouldn’t want to hear tell of it and that word would be passed on to the head person who was running the place and then you would be in serious trouble.... • I was regularly raped and forced to have oral sex by the chaplain and when I told an old nun what he was doing to me I was punished. She called me the devil’s daughter....

A witness who reported sexual abuse was discharged to the care of his mother and described a subsequent visit from staff of the Children’s Home to his mother’s home: Three weeks after discharge I was visited at home by ...named male religious staff ... and 2 other men who were not introduced. He threatened me, as I had told another ex-resident about the sexual abuse ... perpetrated by named male religious staff..., that I was spreading rumours and said to me “you could go to jail, and never see your mother again. I am in a position to get you locked up and the key thrown away”. • I was left in the infirmary for a long time on my own for telling my father about the ill-treatment, no one was allowed see me there. Sr ...X... pretended to my father that I was sick.

Five (5) witnesses reported it was their belief that following their disclosure the offender was reprimanded or removed. A number of witnesses commented that while they were not aware of any action being taken at the time of their disclosures they later realised that their abusers were no longer working in the Homes. A male witness who reported that his abuse continued for some time after his disclosure stated: I went to a person after a few months after it...(abuse)... continued and it...(disclosure)... wasn’t listened to ... The person I went to was in a very strong position of power in ...named Children’s Home ...he said “no I don’t believe you and anyway keep quiet” .... From that moment on I kept it to myself ... the abuse continued after that for a while and then the Health Board came in ... they spoke to the management. No-one spoke to me, he... (named lay care worker)... was fired ... After he left things improved for me. I always thought in my head someone would come and ask questions but it never happened...

Many witnesses who had children of their own reported that their parenting relationships differed according to the stages of their children’s development, their experience as a parent and their own progress since being discharged from the institutions. A male witness made the following comment: When my son reached the age I was when I was kicked and beaten I got very upset, it all came back, I got depressed.... I got violent and abusive in the family.... I was suicidal.... I was so affected by what I saw and what was done to me ... it marked me all my life.

Many witnesses considered their inability to parent effectively to be a result of the deprivation and abuse they experienced during their own childhood: I never really had a childhood, some days I wish I had .... I find myself playing with my own son now...crying ...I’m over-protective with my kids ... to be honest I can’t picture myself without the kids ... I had to make a heart breaking decision to put ... (child) ... into voluntary care ... (the child is) ... going on the same path as myself ... I live for me kids. • None of my children are living with me, some of them are in care, some of them are with their dad. I see them all... I need to be beside them. I like being near them, I can phone up anytime...

Witness reports of parenting were characterised by accounts of an inability to demonstrate feelings of love and affection, strenuous efforts to ensure their children were protected from harm, and ambivalent parent–child relationships. Many believed that separation, and the loss of experiences of family life with their own parents and siblings, the lack of a nurturing environment in childhood, combined with the abuse they experienced left them ill-equipped to parent successfully. Others described feelings of enduring sadness regarding the loss of a parent at an early age and being subsequently reared in a Children’s Home without a sense of security or attachment. I couldn’t deal with my own family, my own children, I didn’t want to know. Childhood was very hard, very, very hard. I love me children, but bonding was very, very hard. I would never do nothing wrong to my children, I would never hurt them in that way.... I would shout or roar at them and would go, and maybe not come back for 7 or 10 days. That would be very damaging to them ... they are in care, they said I was not a proper father towards the children.... I feel angry, very, very angry towards institutions.

Two (2) witnesses, one male and one female, gave the following accounts of their history and the impact their experience of abuse has had on their adult lives: You would try to block it out of your mind and get on with life but at night it would come, the nightmares.... Crying in bed at night, thinking back on what happened me, it never goes away .... Walking along the street... at night time, you always feared someone was going ...(pause) ... coming behind you ....I always go around with this carving knife in my pocket...cutting my arms was a way of letting the anger out... • I came back to nowhere.... I had nowhere to go. My sister took me in for a while.... I started to get panic attacks, I thought I was dying, I thought I had a brain tumour, the doctor kept on telling me I was alright, it’s not physical. ... I was suicidal, they took me into ... a locked ward, I spent ...(many months)... there. I used to just lose control.... I took overdoses.... Then it...(details of abusive experiences)... started coming out and I started getting angry, I wouldn’t do anything to anybody when I was angry, only to myself and would start cutting my arms ... it was my way of releasing.... They ... (hospital staff) ... said my problems were so deep in the past....

Sixteen (16) witnesses described feelings of terror, anger and disconnectedness associated with childhood trauma. Others described the fear and enduring shame that sexual abuse generated in them as children and eight witnesses described ongoing psychological and sexual difficulties associated with their sexual abuse. I didn’t go home.... I just started wandering here and there. I went to ...named place of refuge.... I was 13 or 14. I stayed in hostels. Once I came out of there ...(Children’s Home)... I went to hell on the drink, life was really difficult. My life was destroyed, as I get older it gets worse. I ended up in psychiatric hospitals, I used to cut myself up.... I would just get depressed and start thinking of the things that were done to me, it ...(experiences of sexual abuse)...would play on your mind. Then you would think of suicide, I tried it several times, I was sent to the hospital then. I was off drink for several years.... We were sent there ...(Children’s Home)... to be corrected not to be abused like that. I still wake up at night, some nights I am afraid to go asleep at night, thinking ...(over 20)... years down the road that someone has just come into the room, thinking I am back at that place again, that this ...(sexual and physical abuse)... is happening all over again. Counselling has helped a good bit, but it can’t really bring out what’s happened to you, it can’t take away what’s happened to you.

Many witnesses commented on their limited potential in employment situations due to the neglect of their education. Others reported having difficulty with authority, never looking for promotion, being constantly vigilant and as one witness remarked in relation to the workplace ‘I kept my head down’. A male witness who described continuing difficulties in many areas of his life stated: Nearly every job I had I lost it over the drink because I couldn’t handle it ... (memories of sexual abuse) ... I’d feel more relaxed with the drink otherwise I’d be as nervous as hell... I kind of block it out now, they are bad thoughts ... I just try and get on ... I came ... (to hearing) ... for someone to talk to, you see there is very few people you can talk to. I never tell anybody. I didn’t tell her ... (spouse) ... most of it. I just told them ... (children) ... I was in an orphanage.

The separation from their parents and siblings and the difficulties encountered when re-establishing contact with their families following discharge was reported as a continued source of distress and anger for a number of witnesses. A female witness commenting on her attempts to re-establish a relationship with her mother stated: I still wanted to get to know her. I still wanted to understand. I still wanted to be with her ... we just didn’t get on ... all the anger came out ... there was never any closeness there, ever ever. It was so sad ...

Fifteen (15) of the 21 witnesses who reported being physically abused described being beaten regularly with sticks or household implements, including wooden spoons, rolling pins, broom handles, dishes, and coat hangers. One witness reported being beaten with a leather harness and a stick. Others described being ‘thrashed with a chain’ and beaten with a horsewhip. Five (5) of the witnesses reported being beaten on a daily basis. One witness recounted how her foster parents took turns to hold her down and beat her. Witnesses also described being slapped, punched and kicked by their foster parents and other family members. The locations of physical abuse described by witnesses included the foster homes, farm sheds and fields. It’s the physical beatings and kickings. He ... (foster father)... would, for no apparent reason ... deal out.... It was like a daily ritual, any whimsical time that suited him ... he beat us.... I have this vision in my mind of cowering in a corner and being beaten with a stick, and kicked. • She ... (foster mother)... always slapped in the head or in the face and you would always be in a corner, just getting one slap after another into the face. ... You couldn’t even think past putting your hands up to stop the slaps hitting you. ... You would be trying to protect yourself and she would be screaming “don’t you dare protect yourself” and you would try and put your hands down but it just couldn’t be done. That happened a good few times, that’s what happened when you did things wrong.