2,143 entries for Witness Testimony

Denigration and humiliation was described by witnesses as taking several forms. Fourteen (14) witnesses reported being called names, with particular reference to the circumstances of their birth: ‘nothing but a bastard’, ‘you are whore’s milk’, ‘a black man’s bastard’, ‘Local people referred to us as... ‘X’s... (foster mother’s)... bastards’. Witnesses also reported being called derogatory nicknames with reference to personal features or characteristics. Three (3) witnesses had physical disabilities that they reported were the subject of constant ridicule and humiliation.

Five (5) witnesses reported that they did not know their own birth names or were not called by their birth names and three witnesses reported being misled about their biological family. The problem is I wasn’t registered when I was born, I have no birth cert. I was baptised twice, but I have no birth cert. When I was going to buy a house one time, they said I had to get a ... birth cert. I went in to Lombard House looking for a birth cert ... never heard of me. You can’t go away or anything, or you can’t get a passport. • I wasn’t ever called by my name.... It is hard ... (to talk about)... some of this thing, because it is so personal ...distressed... because it’s like remaining that person ...(with the derogatory name)... and I think they did a good job. I was called ...X (reference to physical attribute)... I’d only ever hear my... (real)... name when the authorities came. ... I can see this man, this tall stately person, coming down on a bicycle. I think he used to pay them their dues for foster care ... then I’d know my name. • She’d ... (foster mother)... say I was nobody anyway.... I felt this psychological abuse was very hard to take.... She succeeded in making me feel I was nobody. • I find my childhood haunts me. I’ve been searching for who I was...I sat for a week when I got the letter to say that I actually came from somewhere...when I go to Ireland I actually feel the pain of not belonging. • When I was 15 I thought that maybe someone would come and say “well here’s your letters and your papers and things about your mother” and all that but the people that knew my mother would never tell me anything. Up to less than 10 years ago there were people who knew her but they wouldn’t tell me anything.

Eleven (11) of the 24 witnesses reported that they disclosed their abuse to someone or confronted their abuser and successfully resisted any further abuse. When I was 17 I went to...professional...one day, I didn’t know where to go... I spent about 2 hours, I brought everything...(sexual abuse)... out to her, crying to her, non-stop... and although I didn’t know it at the time she obviously reported it to the Health Board and it was to get priority... I read that on the files... (afterwards)... but it never got priority, nobody ever came back to me.

Six (6) witnesses reported that they either told their foster mothers that they were being sexually abused by their foster fathers or the foster mothers became aware of the sexual abuse as a result of subsequent events. In four instances the foster mothers were reported to either disbelieve the witness or blame them for the resultant problems in the family. One witness reported that her foster mother said ‘there are no bad men, only bad women’, when she learned that the witness had been sexually abused by the foster father over a number of years. Another foster mother was reported to blame the witness for trying to ‘come between’ herself and her husband. The witness reported that the foster mother was physically abusing both the witness and another foster child in the foster father’s absence. We said to ...foster mother... that he was always pulling on himself ... (masturbating)..., but she didn’t believe us. She said we were just jealous, that we didn’t want her to be going out at night time,... (leaving witness with foster father)... and she ignored it.

Three (3) witnesses believed that other adults were aware of the abuse they were subjected to by observing what happened. They reported that no action was taken to address the abusive situations. For example, one witness described being constantly assaulted by a member of the foster family. This behaviour occurred in view of the foster parents whom the witness believed exploited her presence in the family as a means of coping with their other difficulties. In a separate foster home another female witness stated that she was treated by the family doctor for burns to her arm having been hit with a hot poker by her foster mother. Eventually they called the doctor, she warned me when he came I was to keep my mouth shut, she would tell him what happened.... I thought, “at least, thank God, it will come out now” ...distressed... because I didn’t think she would tell a lie.... But she told the doctor that she couldn’t keep me away from the fire and that I had come down and put my hand straight on the bars...(of the fire grate).... The doctor told me off.

Thirteen (13) witnesses reported a range of positive experiences in relation to their time both in foster care and in employment placements after they were discharged. Despite making reports of physical and sexual abuse six witnesses also reported that their foster parents were kind and provided them with good homes where they felt accepted. These reports related to both non-abusing foster parents and, in three instances, to the foster parent who also abused them. I don’t want to take it...(childhood abuse)... any further.... They...(foster parents)... are part of my family now, always will be...I think no matter who you are or where you are in life you all need somewhere to go back to, we all need a base...just to say to anybody that you have a family somewhere, that you’re not a total orphan. I do need a family, of course I do, I’m a human being. • I never knew I could do things ...everyone worked very hard to help me... (at work)...the people I worked with were really kind, the tutors used to carry on at me saying “come on”...(by way of encouragement) • My boss used to say “you have your black dog”...(depression)... and I’d say “yes”, she’d say “go work out the back where no-one will disturb you”.

Three (3) witnesses stated that they enjoyed going to school where they were well treated by kind teachers whom they believed were sympathetic regarding their home circumstances. Four (4) other witnesses commented on the particular kindness of neighbours whom they believed knew they were not well treated in their foster placements and found opportunities to extend small treats. One witness described being given sweets by the shopkeeper when sent to get alcohol for a foster parent. Other witnesses commented: I would go to a neighbour who I knew would welcome me...they have been very important people in my life, very influential because of their kindness. • I could smell trouble and get out the window like greased lightning and go to the neighbours at the back, they understood.

Eleven (11) witnesses were married at the time of their hearings and another three were widowed after marriages of over 20 years’ duration. While acknowledging difficulties, seven of the witnesses reported that their marriages were stable, happy and supportive as did two of those witnesses now widowed: I am so, so lucky I met...wife..., such a lovely woman, I am sure I must have been a terrible torment to her at times. • I was terrified of getting married, I didn’t know if I could love someone...my husband, he put up with me. I wasn’t interested in sex, to me it was dirty, it had no nice romantic feel about it. I feel I was a failure as a wife to him...sex was always a chore and that was wrong, but I could do nothing about it. I tried to compensate... I kept a good home....

Several witnesses also commented on the general difficulty they experienced relating to people they met socially, after they left foster care. They described social relationships as complicated by their inexperience of normal social interactions and family relationships. Witnesses reported learning how to cope by observing others and by being fortunate enough to have kind employers who understood their difficulties. Some witnesses commented that they have continued to struggle with this aspect of their lives. I didn’t know how to function and I’d have to go around and ask people “how do I deal with this?” I pick people and I latch on to them and I learn from them because I suppose they have certain values I look for...I mean you can’t love unless you are shown love... • That,...(working as live-in housekeeper)... was the first time that I saw what a family life was... to see how a family lived together, see how it could be.

Ten (10) witnesses reported that they enjoyed being a parent and had good relationships with their children, most of whom were independent adults at the time of the hearings. Education and family stability were important aspects of the parenting experience for these witnesses. We reared the... children we had... it was a terrible struggle...financially...it wasn’t easy, but it was joyful at the same time. We have a wonderful family of children and grandkids now and I am so happy that I got to this stage because there were periods in my life when I thought I was going to be killed or die and that is a fact.

Four (4) witnesses commented on their difficulty establishing emotional bonds with their own children. One witness described herself as being a ‘terrified mother’, who, as a result of her childhood experiences, lacked confidence in her ability to relate to her children. Another witness described a close relationship with her family who learned to live with her difficulty expressing emotion: I’ve gone numb inside...it’s what it does to your feeling...I couldn’t say “I love you”, she ...(granddaughter) ...tells me she loves me and I can’t tell her... my son teases me because he knows I can’t cope with emotions... they’re used to it.

Eleven (11) witnesses reported attending second or third-level education, while 12 others did not proceed beyond primary school. As previously reported 11 witnesses reported being kept out of school on a regular basis to work for their foster parents, five of whom reported receiving a negligible education as a result of the expectations placed on them to assist with farm and housework. Witnesses commented that their subsequent working lives were disadvantaged by this early neglect of their education. Witnesses also reported being sent to work when they reached school-leaving age in jobs that provided no prospects for their future employment but that were seen to provide an extra source of income for their foster parents. She...(foster mother)... never let me out of her clutches until I was 20 and went away...(left Ireland).... When I was 15 she arranged for me to go into the commercial laundry for 2 and a half years. She collected the money for that, I never saw it. There was...X number...of us there and no records. I went to...named hospital...after that and I have no records there either...invisible...I can’t get a pension you see because there is no records and no contributions paid, they said that was because it was a training school. I don’t know what we were training for...I was on men’s shirts, ironing them for 2 years.

Most witnesses reported having stable and secure living arrangements at the time of their hearings. A small number of witnesses were dependant on the private rental market, community support services, or the support of relatives. Three (3) witnesses reported having experienced long periods of homelessness and instability in the past and four others reported having been dependant on the goodwill of their foster families for shelter in later adolescence and adulthood. I’ve never really had my own place, I’ve been just pushed and pushed around...I always dream that I could have a home where I could put my head down and nobody could come in through that wall... • The thing about orphans is that when we get into trouble the only place they can put us is into prison...because we don’t have homes to go to, we don’t have people to latch onto...

Witnesses who reported being abused in foster care frequently commented on their inability to trust people and the damaging effect this had on their interpersonal and social relationships. They also reported feelings of loneliness, isolation and worthlessness. Witnesses who had spent most of their childhood and adolescence in foster care reported being ‘alone in the world’ when they left their foster homes, accentuating the sense of isolation they had previously experienced: A lot of people think it’s just talk is going to solve the problem but it’s not, who are you going to talk to?... I’ve had flats years ago but I’ve walked out of them because of loneliness. A lot of people go to the drink... if I had a wish I’d wish I could have a home that nobody could put me out of, and I’d wish I could have people around me. I can’t go to the foster parents and say “will you be my friend?”... there’s no place for me, not even on the streets.

Nine (9) witnesses reported experiencing suicidal thoughts or behaviour in addition to descriptions of mood fluctuations and tearfulness. Problems associated with sleep disturbance, anxiety, social withdrawal and anger were reported by more than a quarter of all the witnesses. If I had an argument with somebody,... (I would think)... should I hit the person or...Now I wouldn’t, I think it could be to do with maturity. Years ago if somebody stood in my path, yes... (I would hit them)...and I’m amazed that I haven’t ended up in prison. • I suffered depression... I have attempted suicide. When I was 15...I took a load of tablets belonging to ...foster mother...I didn’t know what half of them were. I went to bed and took them and said “this is it” in my own head and the following morning then I woke up and I’m still here...and then about 2 or 3 years ago everything got on top of me again and I took an overdose again.