2,143 entries for Witness Testimony

The majority of witnesses reported multiple effects, as Table 53 indicates. A high percentage of both male (56%) and female (64%) witnesses reported being unable to trust others. There were some gender differences between the negative effects most frequently reported. For instance 50% or more male witnesses reported abusing alcohol, feeling angry, and being a loner. By contrast 56% or more female witnesses reported experiencing lack of self-worth and contemplating or attempting suicide and 24% reported abusing alcohol. In addition to the above-mentioned negative effects on their health and personality, 408 witnesses (52%) reported that they attended counselling either currently or in the past, and many commented on the beneficial effects they had experienced. A large number of these witnesses reported attending counselling through the National Counselling Service, which was established by the Government in 2000. The service was committed to working with adults who had been abused as children in Irish institutions. I won’t even go into the house some days. I was a right bastard ...(as a husband).... She’d ...(witness’s spouse)... find me facing the wall, she’d wake up in the morning and find me standing facing the wall ...crying.... It’s smashing to talk about it and the counselling is free. • I’ve had a stable life, but male pride stops me from saying I’m depressed. I get down, am a loner, don’t mix, have been on the drink in the past, but counselling has helped. • You can knock the walls down but can’t ease it from ...distressed.... I carried it in the pit of my stomach all my life.

Three hundred and twenty seven (327) witnesses (41%) gave evidence that the memories of the abuse they experienced remain with them to the present day. I wish I could get rid of all this, it’s in my head all the time. I used to have terrible nightmares, the only one I could see was this nun who used to hit me all the time. I did take an overdose, I did try to end my life. I was very confused. I never knew who I was. • He ...(Br X)... haunts me, I can smell him, I can see his gait ... not a week goes by, but I think of him. • The sexual abuse ... that’s irreversible. It’s the sexual behaviour that separates me from my family. I can’t work, I can’t go out, I’m nothing. Every day I want to kill myself. • I was not able to go to ...(children’s)... parent-teacher meeting because I didn’t feel I could talk ...crying.... I didn’t think I was able to speak like another ...(parent).... I wasn’t like another because of the way I was reared. I often cried when they were at school and he ...(husband)... at work.... I was afraid that if I told people, I was afraid I’d be locked up. I was afraid they would send me away. I always feel sad. • The other thing is, not being able to read and write was my downfall.... I didn’t tell my family until about 2 years ago. ... It can be very lonely ... even at Christmas time with my family there. I get lonely like remembering all the times I was on my own. I do have to go out for walks, I have to be on my own. • Thinking about it after I often wondered had we a right to complain, but we had no one to complain to. • Loss is the most significant word in my life. I lost my mother ... my childhood, my education and nothing will ever get them back.

Two hundred and nine (209) witnesses (26%) reported suffering from the effects of trauma and described themselves as constantly vigilant and anxious, having disrupted sleep and nightmares with little respite. I was going to take my own life, one of the other girls did, she took her own life. You are suspicious ... all the time, it’s always there, it will be there ’til the day I die.... You can’t put the clock back.... I’d like to have a childhood but I never knew what a childhood was.... That will be a nightmare ’til the day I die, I will bring that to the grave with me. • I hate anyone standing behind me, I still feel as if someone is going to go for me because I was beaten around the head a lot. • I was terrified with the beating I got. My ould mind went a bit that day I’d say. To me, I was never the same young fellow after that, I wasn’t the same young fella that went home. I wasn’t mental but when I went home I’d be looking under the bed and like that. I couldn’t be happy for years and years. I was squeamish and frightened everywhere I went.

There were distinct differences between the reports of male and female witnesses regarding aggressive behaviour. One hundred and twenty six (126) male witnesses (31%) reported being physically aggressive compared with 30 female witnesses (8%) who reported being physically aggressive to others. I can be very aggressive, my children seen it, I should never have been a father. I can’t hug or show affection or anything. • I used to smack them ...(own children)... as kids, thinking it was the right thing to do, we were beaten all the time. I was bringing my kids up the way I was brought up. I was hit all the time.

Two hundred and thirty four (234) witnesses (30%) described themselves as withdrawn and also stated that they had difficulty relating socially and felt different to others. Many described feeling isolated, frequently moving home, and feeling generally disconnected. You had to survive on your own, always on your own.There was nobody to back you up. It’s been like that and I will die like that because I can’t change what happened. I can’t change my personality and the way I am. It’s been like somebody put you in a prison and you are expected to change when you come out. Unless there are services there to help you, and there’s nothing, you are not going to change. You are still going to have the mentality of being a loner and keeping people at a distance and being very anti-establishment. • I never had the equipment to survive any type of close relationship. I never had the ability to survive any close relationship, I couldn’t give enough of myself.

Two hundred and forty two (242) witnesses (31%) reported experiencing nightmares and associated sleep disturbance. It stays with you, it sticks in my mind. You still have the nightmares, they still go on, they haven’t left me yet, I still wake up in the middle of the night.... You went to bed at night you couldn’t move or couldn’t breathe ...(not knowing when)... you would be hit with the hand brush.

There were a range of other adverse effects reported in smaller numbers, by both male and female witnesses. For example, between 75 and 150 male and female witnesses reported significant difficulties with parenting, sexual relationships, and feelings of being powerless and disadvantaged. When I went home I couldn’t communicate with anyone. I couldn’t sit at the table with the family. I used to eat with the chickens out the back, I did not know how to get on with people, I didn’t know what to do.... I only knew beatings. I went off to England, they told me they didn’t want me either, never to come back. I ended up inside ...(in prison)... many times, and tried to hang myself.

A small number of witnesses, both male and female, reported having difficulties as adults establishing their personal and family identity. The evidence reported to the Committee included accounts of having no official record of their birth place or birth certificate, names on birth certificates were found to have been changed by School staff, and requests for clarification of personal and family identity were withheld by religious and State authorities. The witnesses presented correspondence at their hearing that they reported having obtained under the Freedom of Information legislation in relation to these matters. Witnesses reported that they experienced difficulties when applying for passports or pensions in later life and when seeking to trace their parents or family of origin. I had been searching for her ...(mother)... and searching for her, it was my one wish in life to find her. I have done so much trying to search for my family. I had been trying to trace her, that was the sad part ... there was a brick wall every time. I have no certificate, this is what really got me.

A small number of witnesses described being contacted by representatives of the Schools or religious organisations by telephone, personal visits, and through arranged meetings in recent years. Some witnesses reported feeling threatened and intimidated by such contact that they described as being for the purpose of character references for forthcoming court proceedings, offers of compensation and apologies for past abuse. One male witness described a chance encounter in the following account: I met Br ...X.... I saw this man and he said “I know you”, he said “I remember you, you were a Mass server, you were quite good in school”, and he said “I gave you a terrible time in school. I am so sorry, I gave you an awful time and I’m sorry for all the times I hit you, I beat you around the place”. ...distressed and crying... I could have killed him, I felt like killing him, he said “I am so sorry. If it’s any consolation to you, I am sorry for what the School done”. I said nothing to him.

Many witnesses described themselves as ‘lapsed Catholics’ who had disengaged from the Church, but whose belief in God was unchanged. Witnesses described the continuing anxiety associated with encountering members of religious congregations. ‘I cannot serve a nun now where I work they ...(colleagues)... call it “nun alert”.’ Others reported they avoided entering buildings associated with religious congregations, such as churches and schools, for fear of reactivating memories of their abusive experiences.

Other forms of physical abuse and assault reported by witnesses included being punched and kicked, pinched, slapped across the face and ears, held by the throat, lifted by the hair and ears, and having their left hands or both hands tied behind their back to prevent use. There was a whole load of them... (religious and lay staff)... who’d slap me across the face or with the strap on my legs .... I didn’t feel I was a trouble maker but I was active, they just picked on me ... they just kept slapping me the whole time and they all said I was a trouble maker, they gave me a bad name.

Witnesses reported being severely physically punished for certain behaviours, in response to particular occurrences and frequently for no reason that they could understand. Among the events reported to have been so punished were: running away, bed-wetting, talking to co-residents, not completing chores, disclosing abuse, being forced by violence to carry out sexual acts, taking food, making mistakes in the classrooms or workshops, using sign language, not using disability aids properly, losing or damaging disability aids, wear and tear on clothing, walking out of line, having soiled sheets or underwear, and being out of bed. Several witnesses reported that using sign language and writing with their left hand was forbidden. The first time I was hit, a crowd of us used to queue to get our hair combed. The Brother in charge ...(named religious) ... said to me “you are going without getting your hair combed”. I wasn’t, he beat me then.... He put me over his knees and hit me with his hands, I was totally puzzled, I couldn’t figure out why I was hit. I hadn’t done anything wrong, I hadn’t been hit at home even though I had done things wrong.... That was the first of many times being hit ... It was Br ...X.... He invented excuses for hitting fellas, such as he invented this thing that ...younger co-residents... could not talk to ...older residents.... He’d beat you for a lot of things with the leather, your trousers would be down, it ... (the beating)... could be over the stool or over his bed. One of the things was I got beaten for putting polish on my socks, you’d get beaten if you didn’t have Rosary beads with you, they used have Rosary every night. If a fella had a hole in his jumper, if it turned into a hole before I realised it, I would be beaten. • Br ...X... would bring the bed-wetters into his room and flog them. He’d make them have a cold bath whether it was winter or summer and you could hear the screams, the screams, he was very violent. He was a big strong fit man, I was petrified of him, it came back to me in dreams, the dreams of it returned. • There is the whole issue of... (mannerisms)..., people have sort of mannerisms maybe, shaking backwards and forwards, you’d be beaten for that. • We were punished for signing. ... It was very, very difficult to control. ... It was our language, it was the way we communicated. It was natural for us to use gestures, we were deaf.

Ten (10) witnesses reported receiving injuries as a result of the physical abuse they experienced, including five accounts of receiving wounds that bled and four accounts of extensive bruising. There were separate accounts of injury to one witness’s arm that the witness believed resulted in permanent disability and injuries to another witness’s head and ears, which were believed to be the cause of subsequent hearing loss. Another witness stated that she required sutures to her arm following a severe beating with a broom handle. Both religious and lay staff were reported to have perpetrated abuse that resulted in these injuries and one female witness reported injuries that were the result of being assaulted by a group of older co-residents. She ... (Sr X)... beat me,... (on)... me arms, me legs. She used to put me across the table and beat me, it could be the strap, the ruler, it could be anything, she used pinch me so hard. I used be black and blue my legs would be black when she’d be finished with me.

Eleven (11) of the religious staff reported as physically abusive were described as either being in charge of the institution or the Principal of the school. The 34 religious and lay staff, listed in Table 8 as care staff, were described by witnesses as having contact with residents in the context of their personal or everyday care. Lay staff who were occupied as night watchmen and laundry workers, and others with designated tasks, are identified above as ancillary workers. Religious and lay staff listed in Table 8 as teachers were either referred to as teachers by witnesses and/or were described as abusing witnesses in the classroom. There was one person very cruel, he was a teacher, he used to tell us he would go to hell when he died because he did not beat us enough. He had been in another school and he was dumped into ... (witness’s special needs school).... He was a very unsuitable man, he would use a full cane with the ridges on it, he would beat you anywhere. I remember him beating me around the neck, it was quite strong, he was lashing out generally. Usually it was for inability to learn Irish, I was not bad at Irish, he beat me, I don’t know why, I didn’t know what was happening to me.

Witnesses reported that sexual abuse occurred in private and was most often perpetrated by specific individuals over a period of time. Witnesses from three facilities described being taken from their beds at night by male religious staff and being sexually abused in the staff members’ bedrooms. They reported being raped, fondled and molested, and some described being unable to walk following such episodes of abuse. Other witnesses reported being sexually abused by staff members while engaged in routine activity or while entrusted to their care. There was another Brother, he brought me into his room I didn’t like it, he did things, he hurt me. I was crying ... it was at night time, he made me do things.... He did things to me ... he hurt me. Sometimes he took me into his room, he slept in a room on his own off the dormitory. ... I didn’t like that going on. He was nice to me after it ...(anal rape).... • I was sexually abused by ...named lay ancillary worker... at 13 or 14 years of age, a few times. He agreed to bring me home to where I came from for a visit. I knew him so well. He started to touch me in my private parts and kissed me. He stopped in a lane on the way home ...distressed.... It’s all bad.