2,143 entries for Witness Testimony

Two (2) male witnesses gave accounts of being raped in circumstances of disclosure. One witness described confiding in a religious Superior that he was sexually abused prior to entering the Novitiate, he reported that he was subsequently raped by this Brother. Another witness stated that he was sexually assaulted by a Resident Manager who was investigating a prior physical assault by another staff member: He ... (lay Resident Manager)... took me into another room and asked me what was going on ... (inquiring about physical assault by other staff).... I was roaring and crying. All of a sudden he slipped his hand down the back of me trousers ...witness described digital penetration.... He hurt me and after that I was bleeding. He hurt me he did, I didn’t know what was going on. It was the man in charge who done that....

Eighteen (18) witnesses reported having difficulties establishing stable adult relationships. They described particular difficulties in relation to trust, intimacy and safe partnerships that were free of violence. I used to be roaring and bawling after I married...it was the first bit of love I was ever shown in my life. I do try to be with people and get in contact with them, but something gets in the way, I can’t do it...

Nineteen (19) witnesses reported having children of their own. A number of witnesses commented that relationships with their children who were born later in the witnesses’ lives were less conflicted as they had achieved a greater degree of stability in their lives over the years. Many witnesses who reported having their own children described variable parenting relationships over different stages of their children’s development. I did the best with what I had, which wasn’t a whole lot ...I feel guilty and I will do till the day I die...It was partly my fault for the kids turning out that way, but I had no role model as a mother I knew no better.... She...(daughter)... blames me for everything that went wrong in her life, she says I was never there for her....The poor kids missed out on so much, I did not know how to hug or kiss or cuddle them...

Four (4) witnesses reported that their children had difficulties related to alcohol or drug addiction, and two others stated that their children were ‘in and out’ of prison. They had it terrible with me. One of them is a pure junkie and the other has a problem with the drink, I think he has HIV. His children are in care. I never told them any of me problems. She ...(his spouse)... used to hide the kids when I’d come in with the drink, I’d be roaring and shouting.

Four (4) of the witnesses who were unemployed described a history of alcohol/drug abuse and/or reported that they had served a period in prison. Others reported that they had periods of employment but were unable to settle, had difficulties with authority in the workplace or with peers, and as a result they changed jobs frequently. A number of witnesses reported that they had been successful in their own businesses where they valued their autonomy and had control over their work situation. Others sought work where they were isolated and did not have to mix with colleagues: ‘It was after all the staff left, I had a cleaning job everyone was gone and I was on my own, it suited me that way, I didn’t mix.’

Witnesses whose health was categorised as good described a range of arthritic, bronchial or vascular conditions that were not considered by them to be debilitating. Those witnesses who described reasonable physical health reported having conditions associated with arthritis, circulation and back pain. Five (5) witnesses who described poor physical health reported histories of hypertension and digestive disorders that had a significant impact on their day-to-day lives. I got lots of complications nervous tummy, that’s tension. I’m on tablets for blood pressure and the tension...

The 11 witnesses whose mental health was categorised as poor reported a history of depression, repeated suicide attempts, alcohol abuse and repeated hospital admissions. They described high levels of anxiety, sleep disturbance, ongoing suicidal thoughts and attempts. Half of those witnesses reported requiring continued medication. Other aspects of mental health difficulties described were feelings of paranoia, volatility and at times feeling ‘tortured’ with flashbacks. The witnesses reported that their experiences of childhood abuse continued to affect their lives, contributing to trauma and ill health that impacted on their family and work relationships. I was very ill, I was hospitalised...I would be very edgy...the doctor asked me a few questions. He recommended me to go to see the psychiatric unit.... I have been attending counselling since, I am on medication...

The Committee heard accounts from many witnesses of difficulties settling in employment or relationships following their discharge, which in many instances continued through their later adult lives. They described frequent movement between Ireland and the UK, life-long isolation and loss of family contact. When I came out I was like a wild cat, I did not know what way to turn.... My life is destroyed. I never go outside the door... • I used to go down with the drink, I kept moving jobs.... All my life I blamed myself, I had the guilt of it....When I realised I was a victim, in counselling, in the last few years up to that I blamed myself....I blame myself for not being that friendly with any of my brothers and sisters.... • Once you have been there ... (abused)... you never get out of their sights. I never come back since the day I left this country....

Witnesses gave accounts of physical or verbal aggression that affected their relationships. Others described enduring feelings of anger and reported that their abusive experiences are not easily forgotten. When I drank no one could ever hurt me, no one could physically hurt me again. I drank like a fish.... I’d get terrible flashbacks ... (to episodes of sexual abuse with violence)... and then I’d get panic attacks. I had no respect for myself.... I had numerous hospitalizations ...described attempts at self-harm.... I ended up in the ... (homeless shelter).... There’s a child ... that I haven’t seen for ... years. There was no point because of the drink.

Fifteen (15) witnesses reported that they required counselling and therapy currently or in the past, a number of whom described the benefit for themselves and for their families. My counsellor, she was a life-saver really. She understands, she was very conscious of the fact of the effect it could have on me. She is the one person I don’t feel ashamed with, I felt ashamed most of my life, I felt bad most of my life. I’m working hard at not feeling bad again.... When I walk up the street I’m still very much on the edge....

Six (6) male witnesses reported that they had histories of involvement in criminal activity and associated violence, four of whom gave accounts of having served custodial sentences. These witnesses each reported being abused in more than one out-of-home facility as children. ...Thirty five years ago this happened to me.... I know I’m a decent person or I was a decent person until I was 14 years of age, I didn’t know anything. I just feel bitter and resentful, why I couldn’t have a better life, a better marriage and do the things a father wants to be? I’ll never be their father because I’m not around.... It carried with me all my life, the violence, which I’m not proud of...

Difficulties in work situations, overcoming poor self-image, lack of self-worth and educational disadvantage was commonly reported. Female witnesses described being anxious, fearful, lacking trust and having episodes of tearfulness. A number of those who had experienced abuse in laundries and other residential facilities described effects such as claustrophobia, sleep disturbance, enduring anger, and shame related to having been ‘inside an institution’. Other witnesses described feelings of guilt and self-blame, which in some instances led them to feel that they were responsible for the sexual and other abuse they had suffered: I couldn’t have a man who showed friendship to me. Every time you had a good job I moved....There was a man who ... (offered assistance with employment)...I couldn’t trust him. That happened a lot of times in my life...

A number of witnesses commented to the Committee that the effects of their childhood abuse ‘are still felt’, and as one witness reported; ‘for several years I had nightmares of being drawn back to the Institution’. Others remarked that coping with memories of childhood abuse is a constant struggle: The older I get I find these years haunt me, I will carry it to the grave with me.... The nuns made you feel as if you’re a nobody and you never have any roots.... As the years go by you try not to be spiteful, I try not to be bitter. ... I have bad days and then I have good days.