2,143 entries for Witness Testimony

Four (4) witnesses described being made a scapegoat by religious staff in boarding schools through being segregated from their peers, constantly verbally abused, deprived of family visits and subjected to various threats. A witness who reported being sent to a boarding school from the Industrial School where he was placed commented: He ... (Fr X)... threatened to send us back to ...named Industrial School.... We were scared, you spent all your life in fear. For us ... (pupils from Industrial School)... I got more of the leather strap, you rarely saw any of the other boys get hit by Mr ...Y... (lay teacher).... Fr ...X... would hit you ... all over, the hands, the legs, the backside, all over the body.... Always up in his room. There was not many days in the 3 years that I wasn’t hit by him. I’d be black and blue all over. I used to be crying with fear.

Witnesses consistently commented that the public nature of the abuse, in the presence of staff and other pupils, made awareness inevitable. The Committee heard evidence of abuse disclosures to family members, staff and professionals, both within and external to the schools. A small number of witnesses commented that their parents were highly vigilant and protective due to the level of awareness in the local community about certain teaching staff who were abusing pupils. A number of other witnesses who were subject to persistent sexual abuse described being ridiculed, or shunned by other pupils leading them to believe that there was a general level of awareness about the abuse in the school. Witnesses believed there was awareness among school staff due to the inappropriate attention they received publicly from particular male teachers. Sexual abuse was believed to be known to female teachers who in some instances ‘shielded girls’. The other teachers must have known something but they couldn’t say anything, you know how it was then with jobs. But I remember some of them hanging around sometimes and taking you out of his ...(abusive teacher)... way. • The female teachers were lovely but they never took a stand against this, I don’t know if they were able to or not. They would try to protect you, they were grand, they were lovely. When we were away ...(on school related activity)... we were staying in a hotel he came up into the room, you pretended you were asleep. The female teacher was there she stayed with him to make sure, like, that he didn’t do anything to us, they protected us. What he did was take some photographs of girls asleep. He started sex education with us, it was unusual at the time. I remember the female teachers saying “they’re not ready”. They were trying to verbalise their own disapproval.

Eighteen (18) witnesses stated that they told their parents that they were being abused. In 10 instances witnesses reported that their parents believed them and some stated that physical abuse was seen as part of the culture of the school, where parents accepted physical abuse as routine punishment for misbehaviour: You couldn’t go home and tell your mother, my father was in England. There was no work here at the time ... if I went home and told my mother she’d say “well you must have done something to deserve it”. You wouldn’t be given your sixpence for the cinema. I didn’t say very much. She’d say “were you bold in school today?”

Seven (7) male witnesses reported that their parents confronted the abusers or the school authorities. One of the witnesses reported that his parents were asked by two priests to ‘hush up’ the abuse, another witness reported that his mother was verbally abused by the Principal following her complaint about his abuse. The mother of another witness who attended part of her son’s hearing with the Committee described her encounter with the school authorities: I went to see Fr ... X ... (named priest) ... he was walking up and down in the church grounds. I was walking behind him telling him the story. “All lies, all lies” he says. I says “my children has no need to tell lies, they can come home and talk about it and they’re not beaten”. I said “Am I going to send for the father or are you going to do something?”...the priest said... “Oh, don’t tell...(her husband)...”...So anyhow I left it to him. He...(lay teacher)...was brought up before them, they knew what was going on.

Seventeen (17) witnesses reported being unable to tell their parents at the time about the abuse they experienced. They believed their parents thought the abuse was justified punishment for some misconduct. Other witnesses described being ashamed of being abused, and thought that their parents would not believe they were being sexually abused as ‘priests would not do that’. A male witness who reported being physically and sexually abused stated that he wished the teacher who abused him would disfigure him in some way so that people could see something happened to him, and that they would then believe him. I wanted him to burst my hands so that everyone would see. I’d hoped he’d break my fingers or my face, that someone would believe me. He’d ...(Br X)... call us in and give out, say he would call the guards ...(Gardaí).... We hoped he would but he never did.... He bought me lots of things but it was never worth it... (witness reported sexual abuse) ...

Fifteen (15) witnesses stated that they had difficulties in intimate relationships, generally attributed to childhood experiences of sexual abuse. Some witnesses described ambivalence about sexual and gender identity at some point in their lives. Others described life-long difficulties in their intimate relationships: I had relationships, there was one getting very close to marriage. I bailed out .... I had great difficulties in sexual relationships. I had a lot of anger in myself... • There’s a lot of frustration there and my marriage is not particularly great ... (sexual relationship) ... because of this whole thing ....

Forty nine (49) witnesses, 39 male and 10 female, reported having children. Twenty four (24) described their children as doing well in many aspects of their lives. They enjoyed regular contact, supportive and mutually rewarding relationships with their children. I did try to commit suicide ... I was on a bridge and the light of my children’s faces... (prevented suicide attempt) ... that’s probably why I’m here today ...

Twenty four (24) witnesses gave accounts of having reasonably good mental health while they also reported histories of depression, suicidal thoughts and attempts. Many described a level of continued distress and alcohol abuse leading to some day-to-day difficulties that were manageable. At that stage of my life I was heavy into drink ... huge problem. I was into drugs as well ... I was going downhill. I started stealing for my habits ... The drinking got so bad I decided myself I had to do something about it,...(I was drinking )... a bottle of whiskey or brandy a day ... It was great for me at the time to get over those years, it helped me black out... (memories of abuse)....I went away to ...treatment centre... When I was there drying out ... I told part of my story ... (of sexual abuse) ...

Many witnesses reported difficulties encountered in their day-to-day lives, and stated that enduring anger and distress continued to affect them. A female witness stated ‘there was nothing normal about life’. Another witness described herself as an angry person who puts on a mask to hide her pain, sadness and loneliness: ‘You are never sure when it ... (memories of abuse)... will raise its ugly head’. A number of male witnesses commented that they had suppressed memories of abuse at a cost to their personal and family relationships: ‘You put up a front, I blanked it out’. Another witnesses commented: The anger started coming at me again. I went on an anger management course... the anger went on and on. I was still saying nothing ... (to spouse) ... I broke down and told her the whole thing .... It explained to her a lot of the behavioural problems I had, because I had good positions...(employment)... but I never let anyone come near me...

Witnesses consistently reported that the damaging consequences of their childhood abuse also affected the next generation. Twenty two (22) reports were heard by the Committee of witnesses being excessively harsh, overprotective or of being unable to demonstrate affection to their children. They’ll have a good childhood ... I’ll find a balance. I’m sure it shows through sometimes ... (spouse) ... thinks I’m too liberal with them ... • I don’t think I’ve ever damaged them since... I love them ... they treat me now as the child ... I love it ... we’ve had some hard times together but we get on and they’re great.

Twenty seven (27) witnesses reported that the traumatic effect of their abusive experiences had led to significant distress and reported that they suffered from panic and anxiety attacks. Witnesses also described other continuing effects that had a negative influence on work, social and personal areas of adult life. Many witnesses commented on struggling with anxiety, feelings of guilt, fear of failure and powerlessness. Twenty six (26) witnesses reported that they experienced impulsive anger and at times were aggressive in their behaviour. A male witness who reported sexual abuse over a number of years gave the following description of its enduring effect on many areas of his adult life: I just ran and ran and I’m running since.... I was on the move and have stayed on the move for last 35-40 years. A lot of jobs, a lot of places, big jobs, small jobs, dirt jobs, high jobs.... business is gone, no money... You feel so powerless,... a non-entity...

Forty six (46) witnesses reported that they had required counselling and psychiatric treatment in order to enable them cope with the enduring effects of their childhood abuse. Thirteen (13) of these 46 witnesses reported having received in-patient psychiatric treatment. Eleven (11) of the 46 witnesses reported actively attempting to take their own lives and a further 15 reported that they experienced suicidal thoughts currently or in the past. A witness stated that he had ‘a lot of problems with health... I was in hospital... I spent a year really suicidal.’

Thirty two (32) witnesses reported abusing alcohol, and described other associated distress, including disturbed sleep and at times excessive vigilance and suspicion: ‘If I see people talking I wonder is it about me, I am still running away from it ... (memories of abuse) ...’

Many witnesses commented on the benefit for them of being believed, understood and supported by their counsellors, others in the health services and fellow survivors of abuse. A witness commenting on the value for him of group support stated: ‘... I feel when I come out of the group I’m not on my own, I’m not a freak ...’

Others who reported being repeatedly subjected to severe sexual and physical abuse over a sustained period of time reported that, in spite of their abuser’s criminal conviction, monetary compensation or family support their lives continued to be troubled by feelings of anger and despair. A small number of male witnesses expressed anger that their abusers were transferred to other schools: ‘The rate at which they were moved, I don’t understand why.’ The thing that hurts most is that there was a paedophile ring running in that school, I know 5 guys that were abused and are now dead. Nobody did anything ... dead pupils don’t count .... If they put their hands up and said “what happened was well out of order, what can we do to help?” ...(but)... nobody gives a shit, they do nothing.